Soooo a lil while ago I was raped by someone close to me and the last few months I’ve been trying to heal and get past it. It’s been really tough, and I was a virgin before it happened so it kind of ruined anything sexual for me, since I don’t know what sex is supposed to be like, I just know I don’t want it to be like it was when I was raped. Recently though, I’ve found myself kind of “fantasizing”, in a way, about having sex with the guy that did that to me. I know that what happened with him before is the literal definition of rape, and we never had consensual sex, and when I “fantasize” about it, it’s never like how the rape was, but I think about how it would be to actually have consensual sex with him. It’s really confusing because I know I never want to see him again and could never actually have sex with him because of how much he scares me and has hurt me. I just don’t know what to think of this now because I find myself thinking about what it’d be like to have sex with him, even though I’m not attracted to him and don’t actually want to have sex with him. I guess my question is: should this just be chalked up to the fact that my only sexual experience was him raping me, and now my brain is just correlating sex with that experience, or is this just a weird stage in the healing process?? Again, I know I don’t actually want to have sex with him, and that what happened to me was rape, but this is still just a weird, confusing thing.