I was sexually abused and raped from ages 11-14. When I was 15 I slept around and every time I would have sex it just felt meaningless and like I was being used. I went almost a whole year not having any form of a physical relationship. I did a lot of healing and I moved forward in my life. When I turned 17 my best friend and I started talking about our feelings for each other. He knows about my past and has always been very kind and loving. We volunteer together and we’ve been best friends for the last 3 years. We love each other in a very real, very vulnerable way. We didn’t want to date because he’s 22 and I’m not 18 yet but we had a hard time waiting and started meeting up more and spending more time alone. We ended up sleeping together. And the whole time he was making sure I was okay and being very attentive to what I wanted. And he made sex a loving and safe and beautiful thing for me. In ways I never had thought were possible. We’ve slept together multiple times and he has never pressured or asks me. Even when we agree to, we agree ahead of time and he assured me each time that I’m able to say no and we can stop if I don’t want it. But this month he had a little bit of a break down. He doesn’t feel right being with me when I’m not 18 and he doesn’t want to add to my sexual trauma. He thinks he took advantage of me and he talked me through how him sleeping with me is actually abuse.

I know the law, I understand age of consent. But my mind has a hard time really understanding...I’ve seen real abuse, real rape, really been taken advantage of. And my friend and I had nothing like that, what he gave me was loving and safe and comfortable and not abusive. Right?

I heard him out. And we’re taking steps back until I’m 18. But. If that experience is considered abuse, I don’t know how I’m supposed to have a healthy sex life. I feel like I am incapable of choosing right or like there is something wrong with my perception. Every sexual experience I’ve ever known has been nothing but pain and numbness and duty until This friend showed me how it could be different. If something I thought was right and safe was abuse and wrong, how am I supposed to be able to really choose right in the future? I guess I’m just looking for help to understand, is this really so wrong? Is it really abuse?