I Don’t Know What I Want

I’m exhausted. I feel like someone ran me over. I’m not far off of my 3rd trimester with my 3rd kid. And it’s beginning to terrify me. At least with him in the inside, I can cope some. Once he adds more screaming to this house, I fear I may come undone.

I spent yesterday on my feet. From the time I hit the floor in the morning until I crawled into my bed and don’t sleep (thanks pregnancy) I was sup and going and hauling kids. My toddler wouldn’t sleep. Realized he had a fever in the afternoon even though he acted fine all day running errands. He screamed. He cried. He yelled. He dug in his ears. I live in ear infection hell with him and have most of his life. We’ve been referred to a specialist, but that appointment is still over a month away. And I have to travel to the capital almost two hours to get him there. But I’d give my left arm if it meant he wouldn’t scream and be in pain and misery.

In the midst of his screaming and into everything and meanness because he hadn’t slept, I cooked a huge meal, homemade meatballs, fresh veggies, baked ravioli, garlic bread, and homemade cupcakes for Valentine’s Day. And I cleaned the house and got a few gifts together I had for the kids for VDay. I was on my feet all day. I’ve already been told to take it easy. This baby is low. Just like my last. And bedrest/house rest is real. I’ve already been told to chill. But real life happens. We need groceries. I have things to do. But by the end of last night, I hurt all over. My belly aches. And I was tired. C I’m tired.

So here we are on Friday. Another winter storm

Warning. And my child is l up screaming this morning. So I decided after the fever and digging in his ears, we’d go for the 3rd? 4th? Who knows how many times this year to our pediatrician. I almost waited two solid hours in a HOT wait room with all the other parents with hacking coughing flu drenched kid. I felt like I was sitting in sick soup. I’m pregnant. I don’t want to catch anything. My child is one. He lost fascination with being stuck about 5 minutes in.

We finally saw our doctor. He looked in that left ear and said yeah it’s still red. Not as a bad though. Yeah, here is the thing. It’s not supposed to be red after multiple rounds of antibiotics. It looks better but isn’t well. He’s had this ear infection for two months.

The doc thought we had an appointment with the specialist. I DO. But I’m just supposed to live in the misery of a sick screaming child for the next month? The odds are he needs tubes in his ears. We’ve tried everything else. And no I’m not looking for homeopathic, essential oils, or voodoo remedies. I have enough “mom friends” who’s entire purpose of befriending me is to sell their latest side hustle. Bully for you.

We ended up giving him a shot of antibiotics to try and kill the infection until I can get to a specialist. We have this huge trip coming up. I need him better. I need him to sleep. He needs to sleep. He’s miserable.

I figured after the huge day out, he’d nap. He screamed like someone was trying to kill him. Then, crashed. Slept for less than an hour. Screamed then crashed again.

He woke up screaming and mean and miserable.

He is one. I wish he could fully verbalize what hurts. He fights me and struggles and he’s heavy with this baby Belly.

I called my mom crying. Ear infection. Long wait at the only pediatrician in our town. She said it was all okay. It was okay to cry. It was okay to be hormonal and tired. She said I’ve had a sick or injured person in my house for the last 4-6 months. I have no family close to help. And I’m pregnant.

My husband is great. But he’s had sickness or something constantly too. Most recently, he was in the doc Monday. He hurt his back pretty significantly.

Fast forward to Friday night. I’m tired. I don’t want to cook. All of my family is home from

School and work and everything. And everybody is moody. Oldest is complaining about leftovers. Look I’d kill to just order Chinese or a pizza or go out. But your brother isn’t well...again. And honey, we are flat ass busted broke. I can’t afford a $5 pizza from

Little Caesars right now. And I slaved on that dinner last night. We aren’t wasting it. Eat or be hungry. My husband is snippy. My one year old is crying and mean. And loses it at anything.

So here I am. I’m hiding. I feel so overwhelmed. It’s been months of this monotony. I’ve only got a few weeks before a new infant comes into the Mix. At least at 3 am right now, when I can’t sleep, I can lay there. When he arrives, he will want to eat at 3 am.

My 5 year old just came and asked why I’m not with the family. And does he have to get a bath first. He waits all week to play video games with his dad on Friday nights. He’s eager to play. And it once a week. Friday’s we have no after school activities. But he’s rubbing his eyes already. He’s tired. He’s been up since 530.

I don’t know what I want. A reprieve. A choice. A breakthrough. Maybe a husband who wants sex and isn’t hurt. I often think I’m ready to give birth. But at least this child is inside, he’s not screaming. I’m scared I won’t be able to handle 3. Months ago when we got pregnant, we weren’t dealing with chronic ear infections and issues with money and work and my husband wasn’t always hurt.

I’m just tired. Miss my mom being able to take the kids on a weekend. I don’t want to go out. I’m broke. I want to sleep in my bed. And not worry about why my child is screaming at 1 am.

I don’t know what I want. I just want to know I’m not a failure. My kids are okay. We will get things together. Just seems every week leaves me emotionally and physically spent.

Just needed a place to hide for a minute...Need to stop typing. I can hear my kid screaming at my husband over something. 😑