...or maybe some “there, there”s. Or success stories. I don’t know. It‘s been a few hard days and I have no one I could talk to. I also posted in a pcos subreddit. Maybe there is some crossover :)

We’ve been trying for a baby since summer. Nothing is happening. I know it’s not as long as for others who have tried. I’m turning 40 soon and we both knew time was running but it never clicked for a child like it does now. And look at all the over 40 mommies that you see. (I hope it’s ok to post here, I’m turning 40 in a bit over a week :) )

I have periods like clockwork. Within the last 5 years with lifestyle changes I went from 50 to 100 days, down to 40 and now about 28 to 30 day cycles. I thought I had done everything right and I kicked Pcos in the backside as much as i could. Even my pco-lab results were ok.

Turns out, I didn’t. No LH surges as signs of ovulation. My bbt charts don’t tell me much. I’m not really getting it and the 5 apps I have confuse me even more. They say they detect changes that were ovulations but how without the lh surge? Also my tsh is too high (3.something) so since December I’m taking medication to get it down. Beginning of January it was down to 2.something and I’m hoping it is further down. Will go in for a blood test tomorrow.

I had been reading all the post over at Reddit about “yeah, I got my cycle back although I have pcos” and so on and I think “oh sweet summer child, that was me the last years, but have you used an ovulation kit or something?” Sometimes I go back and forth between posting they should check for ovulation or not. I never do. Who with Pcos needs more Debbie downers in their life, right? :)

I finished a month of clomifen (clomid in English I think) with a cyst forming left and then with progesterone supplements and Thursday I got my periode. So that was already distressing.

On Friday I had an appointment at a new doctor. My ob gyn is a bit of a drive and i thought it would be easier getting a few ultrasounds from a doctor in my town for the next clomifen cycle and triggering ovulation there (no trigger in the last month, will insist this month).

He listened when I told him about the changes in cycles, Pcos, blood tests, ovulations tests and so on. Then he made an ultrasound. Ovaries and uterus look fine, no abnormalities. So everything is fine, right? Yeah, off the the next clomifen cycle.

Nope. He is not doing that. He sees no chance for me to get pregnant with clomifen and wrote me a transfer thingy to go to a fertility clinic (which I can’t afford and most treatments are not covered by insurance (because I’m old) ) and I should come back to him if a make it to 20 weeks pregnant.

He said I’m too old to try, (guess because of pcos) with 35 I might have had a chance, but with 39 going 40, he made that face where your eyes get big and you let air out in a big sigh. and that my tsh is still too high and even if it were now around the 1. Mark still too high and that alone would prevent me from getting pregnant, whatever I take. There would be no use to trigger the ovulation and that clomifen won’t help.

So blood test and cycle charts handed back to me with a referral to a clinic and a flyer in my hand to that clinic I left the office again. Utterly defeated and crying as soon as the door closed behind me.

Boyfriend was cute, to my tearful „what are we going to do now?” He answered “we’ll keep trying”

It takes awhile to get an appointment at the clinic. I talked with them and printed out what I need to send them.

I also put a reminder for clomifen in my calendar and called the other ob gyn and made an appointment for the ultrasound. What else is there to do? Right? 🤷🏻‍♀️ I’m not wasting a cycle, right? I still have one round of clomifen and 2 rounds of progesterone.

But it seems for me there will be no keto-baby, no “I had no lh surge but still ovulated”-baby, no “my tsh was out of whack, but still got pregnant”-baby or an “I thought I was too old, but surprise!”- baby. Maybe there is just too much wrong with me.

I’ve been crying on and off since Friday and I just don’t know what else to do. 🙈 I went grocery shopping yesterday and nearly cried every time I even heard a kid. A good friend called earlier and i asked how their little one is doing after a little fall. And she is doing well and handling it pretty well. He once again said, they may not try for a second as they are so lucky with this kid, another one couldn’t be as good. He has no idea how lucky they really are.

Sorry for the long post, I probably just needed to let it out and put it to “paper”