The more I think about this the more I wonder what to call it! When I think about my first time I think about my ex of 11 months BUT he’s not my first... when I think of how many people I’ve had sex with I think 5 but there is actually 6! I was 17 when I lost my virginity or was it taken...all I can remember is the guy that was my best friend all through High school and months after had finally kissed me! It was NOT what I was expecting! I was expecting the fireworks sparks butterflies etc.... nope nothing! Few months go buy and we’d kiss every now and again nothing huge like a hi bye kinda ordeal no biggy never thought of it in a different way we never made out or expressed wanting each other after that! I was extremely close with his family so was there a lot.... one day I remember it was just us his sister and our friend over. Me and him went upstairs and we’re hanging listening to music and he was smoking. He always tried to get me to but that wasn’t my thing. One thing led to another and I remember him being hard and rubbing up on me we went into another room and my pants were off and we were on the bed! WTF WAS HAPPENING! We started kissing and then bam! I didn’t know what to do or how to feel then I remember him telling me to move as he jumped off the bed and came on the floor! We didn’t talk about it. I told my friend what happened and I remember bleeding a bit the rest of the day. The next few days we still didn’t talk about it and he acted like nothing happened. Couple weeks go by and we do it one more time and I just remember feeling really disgusted with myself. I never said no I never said stop I honestly didn’t say anything to defend myself of not wanting it to happen... we kinda stopped talking and when he found out I was hanging around with another man... the one I consider loosing my virginity too... he would text me and tell me he needed me and he was going to kill himself or he hadn’t eaten in such and such weeks... his family moved to a different town and he didn’t want to so they left him at the house til it sold he was 20 at the time so completely capable of fending for himself... I’d text him Mom and tell her and she’d call me crying to please just go check on him... i would and he was always perfectly fine and he’d be mad saying I didn’t want to hang or stay out there with him I’d rather be off with so and so... I always felt guilty but never stayed never went back into the house.... I never have told anyone how I really feel about him and that situation. He ended up going to jail for rape on a 16 year old and a 14 year old ... that hit me hard! We did talk before I found out what he was in there for and I did love him (so I thought)

There is only 2 guys out of the 5 (there I go again) that I have ever gotten that sparks butterflies feeling and that was my ex and the man I’m with now... it was very hard for me to tell my man now that yes me and that guy did do something together... they used to be friends back in the day and they can’t stand each other now....

Sorry went into a spill of a lot but what do I call this I need an answer to my thought to put a piece at mind...