The struggle of negative results. This month makes 10 months of TTC baby #2, and I’m done...I’m exhausted.

I’m so tired of searching for symptoms. I’m so tired of buying tests just to watch the screen fill up, and the pink dye running over that first line, and then passing it up just to see a single bright pink line, stating the obvious “not pregnant”

We hold the test up to the light, we put our rings on the test, we hold them up outside, we use a flash, we send pictures asking for opinions, we convince ourselves that we see a line when we don’t..nothing changes. We try, and try. We tell ourselves that we’re done, and try to convince ourselves that we really are so maybe next month will be different, but it’s not..we’re tense, we’re waiting for the first sigh and we’re googling symptoms late at night when our significant other is asleep or even at work. We’re tracking ovulation, and that’s the only time we get two pink lines, and sometimes it’s the heart drop because you see two lines and then realize it’s not a pregnancy test, instead you see a faint line and a bold line, showing it’s not even time. We plan announcements for the family and for our significant other. We think of names and we don’t share them with anyone. As hard as we try to play it off as if we’re done, we’re not.

We still sit sneak off to town and buy a test. We still hide it and take it when no one else is around so we can either cry alone or celebrate and plan alone. We still sit down on that toilet and pee on the stick, just to watch that same window repeat itself, “Not Pregnant.” We get jealous and almost in tears when we see another pregnancy announcement. We’re happy for those who are announcing, but we can’t help but sit back and wonder when it’ll be our turn again. It’s doctor appointment after doctor appointment. Test after test. Vitamin after vitamin. Heart break after heart break. But we’re still holding on while the rest of the world thinks we’ve let go. So here I am, 10 months later and still trying for my baby #2! 😞❤️ It’s hard to have faith, but it’s all I have at this point.

Still nothing

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