In laws problems

So I guess I’m writing this to get some validation and some help getting my big girl panties on to have a talk with my in laws. I hate confrontation but they want to visit us and I can’t have them in my home without telling them how I feel and what I need to have a better relationship with them.

The story is long so here’s the cliff notes version:

We moved 2,000 miles away from everyone due to toxic family members and wanting something better for our baby girl.

In laws come to visit, we were really excited. I’ve never had issues with them and genuinely love them. They drive me nuts but so does my parents. They love us and our daughter and that’s what matters. I bought so many treats for them souvenirs, their favorite snacks to have in the house, toiletries, and stuff to have a girls night with my mother in law like face masks.

They get here but things quickly turn sour with mother in law:

Threatening to spank our 6 month old daughter because she’s manipulating

Silent treatments

Screaming and temper tantrums

Saying she doesn’t want to take a picture with granddaughter because she’s not dressed in her fancy dress anymore

Saying she doesn’t need to show us respect

Asking for money because they want to buy souvenirs for people but never contributed while they were here which we still gave them. It’s his parents and he loves them I get it

The little details are the most hurtful but I just tried to persevere and let my husband handle it. I felt uncomfortable because it was nowhere near what I anticipated. I felt blindsided by the mean comments. I was sad but kept trying to be nice despite how she treated us. She has her own set of issues and I try to be understanding of that.

They left and we thought ok now we can try to heal from this. 3 months later they want to come back to stay with us and haven’t acknowledged any of their trip. I didn’t say much because I was so taken aback and usually need time to process it and decide if I’m not crazy or if I did something. My husband reassured me no his mom always does this and he’s so sorry. He tried talking to her but her response was to yell, my husband would tell her calmly we don’t need to scream our daughter doesn’t need it and we can talk respectfully, she responded with I’m your mother I don’t need to respect you or your family. It made me sad because a. My husband wanted a nice time with his parents and it hurt his feelings b. My daughter doesn’t need to see that craziness and c. I would never act that way to her or my daughters family when she grows up.

So now that they want to visit and stay with us I’m freaking out man. I need to explain to them that I should have said something sooner but needed time to process but I also need to set boundaries. I just feel sick to my stomach at the thought of going through that again. I feel like since I didn’t say anything maybe she feels like she can get away with it now? But I don’t want screaming or threatening of spanking and honestly we can’t afford them to stay with us right now. We are re-establishing ourselves and we spent more than we should have on them the last time. I guess I need a pep talk... my husband agreed that we should but he stays quiet on the phone with them. They are a house of all boys except her and they all try not to make her too upset. I don’t want to talk to my mom because she doesn’t care for her and honestly I don’t need to create drama or damage relationships by talking badly about them.

Edit: (since I have no idea how to comment anonymously 🙄)

Thank you all for the validation, it made me tear up knowing I’m not crazy! That being said I’m going to talk to them this weekend over video chat with my husband.But I’ll be reading these prior to the talk to get fired up! 😂 I guess I feel bad because of my father in law, he’s a great grandfather! He’s absolutely in love with the baby and it warms my heart to see them giggling and snuggling. He’s like another dad to me. But mother in law gets jealous and tells him to stop holding the baby so much. It makes me sad because she then ignores my daughter in retaliation. Which is sick since she’s a baby. So I wouldn’t let her be alone with my daughter and I think it made her angrier, basically a hot mess. So a talk has to happen. Also I need a longer break since I can’t afford them to stay here. All in all, I appreciate all the support more than you all know, it means a lot to this emotionally drained mom!