Every time I think of you or my past I shake in fear. I think about the abuse, the lies, and betrayal to my mother. Your wife, soon to be ex-wife. I think about how much I hurt and how screwed up I am today because of you. I think about the hurt you put me in and now my husband. He can’t play around with me. The first time we wrestled and played around he pinned me down and I started to cry my eyes out because it made me think of you. It was such a happy moment with my husband until that moment. All that laughter and smiles gone in an instant because of my past. Something you left with me forever. The scars no one can see. The bruises you left went away, the mental trauma and everything else I went through is still here. After you left our family alone for good was to good to be true. Soon after you started new games after I got my restraining order on you. You would leave beer cans on our doorstep to make sure we knew you were still there and no paper could stop you. You said you wanted your daughter in your life, funny how words work. You said you wanted me in your life, but why now have a change of heart? After all the years of you loading a gun with three bullets. One for me, one for mom then the last for yourself. You told mom just how you would do it. What about actually taking me fishing instead of other kids? I understand that they were boys, your nephews that you barley saw but the daughter you tortured everyday was still craving the niceness that you were giving them. Why didn’t you want me? Why did you call me a mistake? A bitch? I stayed in my room so I wouldn’t have to see you. You still found your way into my room to implant things into my head, ask me if I wanted you to kill yourself. Why now all of a sudden did you want me? Because you lost me? Well I hate to tell you but you had already lost me, my trust and my will to even call you my dad anymore. My grandpa stepped in, your father in law. He did everything with me. Made me feel special in every way. I finally got to feel that love, that accomplished girl that I got to hang out with her dad anytime she could. He took me fishing, hugged me a cried, taught me how a girl should have been treated. He gave me what I needed, stepped up to be my dad. He took me on all day fishing trips with just us, daddy and daughter time. He got me snacks that I didn’t have to pay him back for. He gave me life advice and kept me on track. He pushed me to finish college and supported me through chemo. He sat through every treatment even if he hated doctors. He saw me work two jobs when I turned 16 just to support mom and myself. He never left my side when I needed him. Even after I moved hours away for school he made sure to text and call me to see how I was doing. He made every effort you should have. I know that now. I know I was worth a lot more than you gave. I know who my daddy is, and who shall remain my dad. He made sure to take care of mom while I was gone. He made every effort to be my dad like you should have. Want to know something sperm donor? When that great man passed away, the first words out of my mouth were that my dad is gone. That I’m 21 and lost my dad. It was to early for him to be gone. I only had him as my daddy when you left because you wouldn’t let me go up there. You grounded me every chance I tried to run to him because I needed a dad. I needed a father. I needed support. I needed love. But every time I tried to go get what I needed I got hurt even more. You made me come home. You made mom make me come home. That was home! That house on top of the hill was home. That place was my safe place. My feel good place. Funny how I actually smiled when you left but I bawled when he left me. It still feels like a dream that MY DAD is gone but you’re still alive. I wish you no harm really. I just need to vent. You see I sat here in bed with my husband gone at work and your cousin popped up in mutual friends on my Facebook. All of this came rushing back and I sat in fear. Then thought of my dad and cried and now I’m just mad. Mad at you, Mad at life and mad at what you do. What you did. You have another daughter now. We’re 20 years apart and I met her awhile back because grandma said she wanted to meet me. I didn’t have a choice but if I had the choice I would have said no. I don’t want you anymore to be in my life, that little girl you have now...you better treat her like gold. Because I already talked to my husband and we both agree that if we see any signs of abuse or anything. We will fight for her. We may not win, we might lose but she will still know that someone out here cares for her. She will know that her big sister loves her even after only meeting her once. She will have a safe place if she needs one when she gets older. I won’t tell her what you did to me, but she will have her own story. If that’s something she wants to share with me, then she can. After meeting her only once I love her already. You may notice that I send her gifts and presents for grandma to give her, but trust me when I say...none of the things I do for her mean that I want anything to do with you. Goodbye for now sperm donor. Until I see my little sister again which will be without you again. Never with you. Oh, and just some health/safety advice for you...don’t let my husband see you. He doesn’t know what you look like so you should be good for now, but if he ever finds out who you are...I’d guard my face if I were you. I don’t hate you, but nothing can ever save that relationship you should have had with me. No time can heal this. I’m 24 this year and I’m glad you don’t try to talk to me now. I live close you now, but I have no want or need for you in my life. No want for you to see me. I still have nightmares about you. I want nothing more than a hug from my dad right right now, but he’s not here anymore. You could have been there for me, but I’m strong enough now to say I don’t need you. I have my new life to think about, I have a want to have babies with a great man. I have a want to give them to same life my dad gave me. I have a need and a want to give them the opposite life that you gave me. I have a need to move on with this life. To visit my dad at his grave and tell him everything about my life like I have been since he had to leave me. To remember him in his greatest moments and memory. I have a need to make him proud and continue to let him see me be happy and you did not make me happy. So goodbye sperm donor. I’ll be seeing my sister again but I vow to never see if you I don’t have to. Bye sperm donor. My next step in life is to get over the fear and through the past, to untie the knot that you I will call my life with you. Good bye J. I’m pushing the restart button. Rebooting my computer and restarting it all