Am I fucked up?

Bare with my if my story here is not written out properly. So my boyfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years and we have a child together. No we do not live together. However everything was going okay I guess until from some reason we just were falling off, I would put the baby between us. We would barely kiss. We would get into fights. We barely had sex. But we didn’t understand why this was happening. Then I started to realize that he would come see us only once a week and only for a couple of hours. When I would call him to do family stuff he always had other plans. I didn’t think anything of it but I was still a bit upset.

Keep in mind that my boyfriend was such an uplifting person, always happy, always a go getter. this guy always had a smile on his face. But I noticed for many months he would say that he’s such a bad person, he’s so sad, so depressed, would always stay in bed, he turned into such an angry person. He kept saying to me « cas, if only you knew half the things I’ve done you wouldn’t like me as a person » but I didn’t think of cheating or anything like that. Until a couple of days ago I asked him if he could pick me up at work and he parked his car and started crying, he said exactly this

« listen, after everything im about to say just please understand that I’m sorry and I don’t deserve you. These past 10 months I was with another girl, a full on relationship. I knew I didn’t love her but I was attached because she gave me attention and affection. I knew that I wanted to you. This girl influenced me to do so many bad drugs that I fell so deep into everything that I forgot that I had my family right there. I tried to leave her so many times but she would threaten me, and hit me and call me names and I got so fed up that I hit her cas. You know im not aggressive but st this point I was getting hurt and trapped. She eventually decided to press charges on me and now we can’t have contact for 13 months. She keeps harassing me and threatening me, calling me on different numbers. She’s angry because I told her that I just wanted to be with you and my son and that those 10 months shouldn’t have happened. She knew I was with you and that we had a kid together but she didn’t care. Now I’m here being honest with you, I understand if you want nothing to do with me but just know I was in such a bad state and into a bad lifestyle and all I want to do is win back your time and your love and be there for you and our son”

that being said, I was a angry and in shock I didn’t know how to feel. I was angry that he lied and cheated. That he had another life going on. That this bitch knew she was involved in breaking up a family and she took it anyway. But I realized that after all of this how much I love this man with all my heart.

No words can cover up what he did, I know he was so wrong for what he had done. But I also know that if I would’ve just kept giving him the love he deserved and he would keep giving me the love I deserve as well... we wouldn’t have gone through this. We are both equally to blame for this.

These past couple of days we rekindled and love each other more than we ever did, we appreciate each other’s presence, we’re more sexually active, you can see the love we have for each other now.

Am i an idiot for trying it out with him? I need answers