Should I chase my dad or let him go?

My dad has always ruled the family with an iron fist. He wanted us to fear him and succeeded in keeping us in line well into adulthood using fear, guilt, manipulation, etc. It’s always been his way or the highway and we grew up constantly falling short of the impossible standards he created for us. Anyway, all 3 of us are now out of the house and independent (I am even married with a baby) but he has still managed to rule us, monopolizing holidays and such (we must all attend no matter what)

We finally had enough and each of us wrote him heartfelt letters asking him to please change his cruel ways. Well actually 2 of us asked him to change so that we could rebuild our broken relationship. The third, said they’re done with the nonsense and will be cutting him off for good. Well, my dad’s response was to say “bye!” to all three of us! Apparently he was so shocked we had finally stood up for ourselves (the first time in 30+ years) that his instinct was to lash out. That was our sign to let him go.

Now we are getting pressure from our mom (who is still married to him and scared of him but too scared to divorce him) to reconsider, even though he’s not sorry, and sees us as toddlers having temper tantrums. She claims he will change but admitted there will be no apology and that she has failed to get through to him about the root of the problem. She wants to play mediator to a meeting with all of us.

I want to add for context that my dad put his hands on me once several years ago (then tried to throw me down a flight of stairs) because I refused to be set up with a guy he wanted me to date/marry. He then took my phone and unfortunately at the time it didn’t have a lock, so he invaded my privacy by going through it. At the time I had very private things on there (sexting a bf at the time) and he saw it all. I ended up having to apologize to him in order to get it back. For weeks after he referenced bits of conversations i had had in private as if I had spoken to him about it. His apology never came but he did send me on an all expense paid trip with my girlfriends. When I came back I was a virtual prisoner; wasn’t allowed to go out, car keys were taken etc. while I learned what it means to be a “good housewife”

(Cook, clean etc)

We never spoke of it again and he never put his hands on me but 10 years later I still cry about it. He is a wealthy man and has used money as a way to control us kids. I wasn’t financially able to stand on my own until recently now that I’m married I don’t have to endure his emotional abuse. He was paying our student loans but stopped because we didn’t want to call him on a weekly basis and asked if we could reduce phone calls to 2X/month. He had a fit and stopped with the payments. Some of us asked to reduce calls because talking to him brings anxiety, and for me I also have a little one to take care of. He didn’t care. Well now he has zero calls/month.

He is refusing to budge. In his eyes, we are the ones being difficult. I’ll also note that he’s estranged from almost everyone in his family (siblings, friends etc) for his difficult behavior. As history has proven, he does not apologize. I know their marriage is not my business but he has been an awful husband as well (cheating etc) Should we give in to the pressure our mom is pushing? Her argument is the Bible (“honor thy mother and father”) she claims we will not be blessed if he’s not in our lives.