When God’s Plans are Different

When my husband and I first decided to start trying I had no doubts that by the end of the year I’d be holding a baby in my arms. Nobody on either side of the family had struggled to conceive and there were no indications of poor reproductive health.

After 8 months with no success and with using ovulation tests to make sure our timing was right we weren’t pregnant and I had a nagging feeling something wasn’t right. So I scheduled an appointment to talk to my Doctor about running some tests to see what was going on. She pushed for me to wait until we hit the year mile marker, I pushed back.

With the very first test, the semen analysis, they discovered we had low count, motility, and morphology. An unfortunate trifecta that meant quite a few uncomfortable urology appointments for my sweet husband. Appointment after appointment we were told they had no indication of what was causing this issue. We were given three months to keep trying naturally and then they would consider artificial insemanation.

Then miracle of miracles, we conceived naturally in November 2018. We spent a beautiful Christmas and New Years with me hugging the toilet every morning and afternoon, planning for our August baby. We were so excited for the first ultrasound at 9 weeks and planned to take the photos to our family that night to share the good news.

Instead as I stared at our precious child on the screen I realized that the ultrasound tech had gotten several clear images but she was pushing down more firmly and continuing to move around as if trying to get a better look. So I drug my eyes from the screen to her and realized that her happy demeanor was gone and she looked concerned. She excused herself to get the doctor and I knew. When the doctor came in and asked if I had had bleeding or cramping I knew. Then she told use the child we loved was measuring half a week behind and did not have a heartbeat. What kind of mother was I that I didn’t notice the most important part of the ultrasound was missing? How did I not notice my child did not have a heartbeat?

As we stood in line to schedule a follow up appointment and the D&C we waited behind a teenager scheduling her 8 month appointment, and struggled to hold myself together. How could life be so unfair. Walking across the parking lot to the car I lost it. I texted my boss from the car that I would be out the rest of the day and my husband took me home.

The next day I drove to the hospital for my pre-op appointment. I signed papers. I wondered how to fill in the box of if I had ever had a miscarriage. Did that count this one or did it mean prior to this? When the nurse came to draw blood and she asked if I had ever had a miscarriage I opened my mouth but no words came out. Thankfully she was able to fill in the blank, and showed such great kindness. I signed a form allowing them to run tests on my sweet baby to see what went wrong and to use her for medical research that might prevent the loss of other children. I signed a paper that when they finished they could “medically dispose” her. And I went to my car and cried and screamed and asked God why.

The day is the procedure I was so numb. My husband and dear friend who was a nurse at the hospital guided me through everything while I pretended none of it was real. And then we waited. We waited for the test results and we waited for a follow-up appointment for my husband with a urologist at a fertility clinic.

When the results came back we discovered our sweet baby was a little girl and that there was a genetic malformation with her 13th chromosome that meant she couldn’t grow like she should. The doctors said it was probably a fluke, but it could be that my husband or I were carriers of a genetic malformation between the 13th and 14th chromosome. An appointment with the fertility clinic and several tests later we leaned that my husband is a carrier. Only 2% of men are carriers and it can cause issues with sperm.

We were told we have a 5% chance of conception that would result in a viable pregnancy, and there is a high chance that the child would be born with severe genetic disorders. We were told that even with IVF there would be very low chances conception.

In an instant our plans and expectations for starting a family went out the window. In an instant God said “I have a different path for you”.

I won’t grow a child in my womb, but I will grow one in my heart. We won’t get to experience another ultrasound or do cute maternity pictures. We will get to explore the world of adoption. We get to take on a new challenge. We get to take the path less traveled. I don’t have to monitor my caffeine intake or eat so many yucky vegetables. There is heartbreak in this new God-given path, but there is so much room for love and growth. This is not our plan. This is God’s plan. Yesterday I started praying for the child God has planted in our hearts, whether they have been born or even conceived, we are praying. We pray for their health, safety, and sweet spirit. We pray that we will be the best parents we can and we will raise them to be the best people they can be. We pray for their birth mother. That she will be strong and kind to herself. That she will know she is loved. That she will know we understand her greatest heartbreak is our greatest joy, and we are sorry but so very happy. That she will know that her child is loved every minute of everyday. That she will have peace.

If you have a moment to spare, please pray with us and for us as we embark on this new path ❤️