I have never fully understood addiction. Never really cared to, if I’m being honest. A disease? No way, these people made the choice to use drugs! Well... I have learned to eat my words. I started dating my now fiancée 1.5 years ago. When he was 20 (now 28) he was in a car accident. He was prescribed 500 OxyContin’s. This started his addiction to pills. After suffering for awhile, he went to rehab and got sober. He stayed sober for years. So when him and I started dating, I never thought his past addiction would be a problem.

Well.

I was wrong. In December he started using. Which made him lie, steal, quit his job. I gave him the ultimatum, it’s me or the pills! If you ever do them again, I’m leaving! “I swear baby I will never do them again. You mean too much to me and I don’t want to lose you.” Fast forward to January, I find out he’s been taking pills again. I wanted to leave. But I so badly wanted to fix him. I wanted to be enough for him to quit. I know how much he loves me so I knew I would be enough for him to quit. We had smooth sailing for a bit. We got engaged. Started planning our wedding and honeymoon. Then this past Monday happened. I had a gut feeling. He’s using again. I’m not enough. He doesn’t love me. I found his stash of pills. I flushed them. I confronted him. But he was high on pills, he was acting erratic, not himself. I was scared so I left. He stayed with his mom that night and the next day we decided he would go for an assessment next week to start rehab. Good. We have a plan in place. I come home from work Wednesday. He’s high. (Of course he lies and denies it). I packed him up and took him to rehab.

The doctors didn’t want to admit him because he was not “addicted enough”. Umm what?! How addicted does one have to be? Not to mention, he’s lying to them about how often he used. Fortunately, he was willing to stay. Last night they had a meeting for the families, to better understand addiction. It was so helpful. It is a choice to pick up a drug and use it. It is a choice to continue to use it. But addiction alters their brain. It’s easy for me to say it’s a choice! Because I was fortunate enough to never become addicted. I did drugs (pot, pills), drank, smoked cigarettes (just every now and then, I’m not even addicted to them). My brain is not set up the same way as addicts. Just because I didn’t become addicted doesn’t mean it’s not real. That’s when I realized, addiction is a lifelong battle no matter how long they’ve been sober. And addiction IS A DISEASE. But there is NEVER anything a loved one can do to save an addict. They have to do it themselves. That’s where I was stuck, trying to fix him. He doesn’t need to be fixed. He needs to be healed. He is not a bad person trying to be good. He is a sick person trying to get better.

“I didn’t create it. I didn’t cause it. I can’t cure it.” I repeat that to myself over and over, all day.

I’m struggling. Big time. That’s why I’m here. I can vent. No judgment. Well, you can judge me, but that’s why I’m choosing to stay anonymous. I miss my fiancée. I miss the old him. I hate pills. I hate addiction.

Also, I’m very proud of him for taking this step. I want to do something special for him when he comes home. Any ideas?