I don’t think anything has ever hurt me so badly.....

Ladies here’s a little back story.... I’ve been with my boyfriend for three years. The beginning of our relationship was story book. So perfect. He treated me like a princess and I was always so grateful. I’ve been with him since I was 18 years old and he was 22. I found out I was pregnant when I was 19 and I was so terrified but he reassured me that everything would be perfect and we could raise our baby together and be a strong family. He offered me the comfort I needed in order to be happy about my pregnancy... However when I was 3 months pregnant I miscarried... I called him a million times from the hospital, begging him to come and he didnt... he told me instead “I have to go to work”.... I begged in to come get me after work... he didn’t want to.... Then he left for the weekend (he’s in the National Guard and had to tend to his weekend responsibilities....) but all of that being known, he couldn’t even come see me before he had to go away for the entire weekend to offer me some sort of comfort..... I KNOW people handle situations like this in different ways... but he handled it but running away and not handling at all... meanwhile I handled it knowing that I had to pass my baby naturally because it was too late for a D&C.... it was the hardest thing I ever went through and I did it alone... I resented him so much after that and it never fully went away.... then we started having problems all the time. Nonstop fighting... Neither of us are perfect. I have an anger issue and I can’t handle it at times, so I used to use my fists a lot and he is very hard headed and self centered and never truly apologizes or sees the errors in his ways... just always puts it on me...

But recently I’ve been trying so hard to control my anger and handle things more maturely.... I told him we need to be on the same path. Especially since we’ve been trying for a baby the past year. I don’t ever want to fight in front of my child... but he’s still so verybally abusive. He has no problem calling me a stupid bitch or telling me that I’m the reason for all his problems... he blames me for everything that goes wrong in his life....

Anyways, we started seeing a fertility doctor and I found out I have POCS. It’s been scary but today is supposed to be a check up and he was supposed to have his sperm tested... Well he asked if I even want him to go. And the only time he asks things like that is when he’s being lazy and doesn’t want to do something. Do I got upset, because I know if he’s asking it means he doesn’t care enough to take initiative to go and it sucks feeling like that and I’m questioning wether or not I even want to have his child anymore...

I told him this last night and he got so pissed and decided to block my number and texts instead of talking to me like and adult. (Once again he’s running away from a problem I’m stuck in...) so I blocked and deleted his number... because I want to be done so badly... and he started calling me off a different number.

Then we talk it over this morning and he claimed he was going and he wants this... then he told me to unblock his number... I told him I deleted it after I blocked it so I couldn’t. Then he starts telling me to go fuck myself and starts being verbally abusive again, to which I respond “you’re never gonna change”

I know they say you can’t change a man... a man has to want to change...

And this... just fucked me up.. so much.. I can’t keep putting myself through this emotional abuse...,,

I threaten to leave all the time but I DONT KNOW HOW. I ALWAYS TELL MYSELF NOT TO GO BACK BUT I ALWAYS DO THE MIN HE CALLS ME AND APOLOGIZES!!! PLEASE HELP ME. TELL ME WHAT TO DO. SOMEBODY PLEASE JUST HELP ME LEAVE THIS TOXIC RELATIONSHIP.