While I’ve never considered myself a writer after the loss of my son I’ve held this urge in my heart to put all of this whatever “it” is into words.

Now as I start writing this I overthink will anyone even read past the first few sentences and the truth is it doesn’t really matter because I need this I need to somehow let this out. As someone who struggles with opening up, with building relationships and deep friendships not knowing how to express my grief has led me to this. And so I realize it doesn’t really matter if anyone makes it past the first few sentences because just letting it out may or may not lead me to relief but I figured it’s worth a try.

Today-One month after my D&C my heart broken into a million pieces. But somehow the pieces held together with the hand of God and all I can feel is him holding them tight together with his hand and in my despair I desperately beg him to please keep holding them tight together and not let go for any second. See there are these moments in which I feel helpless but then he gets a tighter grip on the pieces and no matter how broken I am there is this overwhelming pouring of love and I literally feel the grip holding tighter in my chest.

He knows what days are going to be harder for me before I do and so he sends me a safety net to prepare. This mornings daily devotional was about a 4 year old boy who experienced heaven and came back to his parents on earth, he shared with his parents that he met a girl in heaven who said she died in their mommy’s belly and let them know God had adopted her and she was ok and couldn’t wait for them to get to heaven. I was shocked my random devotional was about this, I was feeling better over the past few days and after reading this It was a good feeling but little did I know that this word from God would have been the tighter grip to the pieces of my heart later in the day. See it’s the littlest things of the day that can make you spiral and bring on the pain this afternoon my nail lady asked how come there’s no baby yet you have been married for years now and in that moment it took everything in me to hold my composure and respond not yet soon I hope. Five minutes later another woman shared with her nail lady that her daughter was 3 months pregnant and doing so well. And just like that unexpectedly brokenness, helplessness touching every part of me. Get in the car to leave; his grip gets tight, and this mornings devotional comes to mind. How could I be helpless? My son is being cared for by the almighty.

Tears of sadness become tears of gratefulness for my son is with the only one who could care for him better than me and he is well, filled with love, for he will never know what pain and suffering is and I now know that in those moments in which he sees his mommy hurt and suffering he asks his Heavenly Father to send his mommy comfort and love and to hold the pieces of his mommy’s heart tightly.