Just had to get this off my chest

I really just need to get this off my chest. Stuff happened today that triggered my emotions.

Long story short, I was dating this guy, we both really liked each other. I knew it wouldn’t last but was hopeful (as anyone young and in love is) and my parents didn’t necessarily agree with the relationship, but didn’t stop it. Anyways, thing we’re fine until 4.5-5 months into it. I was getting really ticked off by some of his behaviors and was trying to get him to stop. Besides that, it seemed like we (he) were distancing. Anyways. Fast forward to 5.5 months when we go on our band trip. We were having a great time and all until on the bus ride there, him and this girl (one of my friends that I was sitting near, grade older) started texting. He was texting from another guy’s phone (I didn’t know that at this point). Anyways, they were texting whatever. Then they start sort of sexting. She showed me and one or two others the messages and kept texting back. Then I/we find out that it’s my boyfriend texting her most of that. I am LIVID. I don’t say anything really because I’m not taking that phone. We get to the band competition and I ask him about it. He pretends like he never did anything of the sort, which pisses me off even more. I continue to ask him about it, and my friends help me by asking/encouraging. He still refuses to say anything. By now, I am the maddest I have ever been. Not only did he do the unspeakable, but he denies it. I’m ignoring him completely now because I will do something I regret if I don’t. We go to Six Flags after the competition and I temporarily “forget” about it and try to have a good time. I’m still extremely upset though and don’t go with him as much as my best friend, and he’s getting annoyed. He starts sort of whining and complaining. Whatever, I don’t care. We go back on the bus and I ask once again. And again, he ignores the question. So I continue to ignore him. Fast forward to the next week. I am completely pissed off with him and he can tell. I tell myself and my friends that if he doesn’t answer my questions and find a way to make me forgive him, I’m breaking up with him. Well he doesn’t, so I do. I was able to maintain a straight face when breaking up with him, I listed all my reasons, asked if he had questions about anything, everything. Through it all, he didn’t flinch or show emotion at all. I asked if he even cared. He didn’t say anything, just walked away. I go back to my normal lunch seat and just break down. I start sobbing. Not because I cared about the breakup, but that he didn’t care about it at all (it seemed at least). I go through the day as an emotional wreck, hiding my emotions from everyone but my close friends. That night he sent a paragraph into a group chat between a lot of us about he’ll be “unavailable to speak and is blocking everyone” Wow. Drama King. Then he sends me an essay denying every reason I Gabe and saying everything was my fault. When I did the opposite of everything he said I did or didn’t do. At that point I’m done. We never text again.

Fast forward to today, almost exactly a year later. My close friend (new school, doesn’t know my history), said something about him and his girlfriend. I was able to respond with how long they had been dating. And realized it was because it was pretty much the exact months/weeks my ex and I had dated. That sets something off inside me, but I can hide it. Then the conversation turns to who I like. They figure it out (great, now I have problems in the future with him as my “wingman”). This triggers a conversation with two of my closest friends in the afternoon about how I might of dated someone in the past once. They then both start prying and asking questions about it with me saying repeatedly that I won’t answer them and don’t want to talk about it. They pry for a little longer until one of them (few years older) says “fine, we’ll leave you be if you don’t want to talk about your quote tragic past” That sets me off inside that they don’t believe that I had a bad story, even though I know they didn’t mean it like that. All throughout the rest of the afternoon, little things triggered emotions inside me that I hadn’t felt in months. It’s amazing how much it hurts when you’re usually underly (visually) emotional. It continued without me showing anyone anything (because hiding emotions is great) until I collapsed on my bedroom floor a little bit ago and teared up but couldn’t cry. I then teared up again while writing this, but I still can’t cry. I really just need to cry but I can’t!

Thank you if you are still reading this. Sorry for such a long post.