i don’t know what to do

this year has been really hard for me and i just need to let it all out. i don’t know how to say so i’ll just go in order. i’m only 17 and a junior in high school and literally have no friends anymore ever since last year but i had a boyfriend we’ve dated for almost two years he was all i had. and it’s been really hard to coupe with everything ever since he broke up with me about a month ago.

january: i went though a lot with my parents to the point of moving out i was overwhelmed and i couldn’t take it anymore eventually i moved out on january the 28th. i lived with my boyfriends family they were understanding and helped me out. i mean i still loved my family very much but i just needed a break i guess.

february: my boyfriend was extremely happy because we both have jobs i basically work on weekends and he works on weekdays so we only seen each other at school until i moved in. in my perspective he was a little to happy i mean he knew my family well and knew what was going on and it was a super sensitive subject and he was kinda rubbing it in a little which hurt me and i told him then he stop bringing it up. it was going all good i was visiting my family a lot for my younger siblings especially and my boyfriend was wondering why and was somewhat mad because i lived with him now he said i could visit he wasn’t not going to let me but in his eyes it was like i lived with my family again which hurt him he didn’t say it but i seen it so i always tried to talk but he said no he was fine but i knew it was a lie.

march: my older sister comes back from college for spring break she’s super sensitive about things like these because her and i grew up the same so she knows what i go through but i didn’t want to tell her about this because didn’t want her to worry. so i decided to go be with my parents for that week and my boyfriend and i talked about it but he never actually answered me he just rolled it off his shoulder and i told him i was coming back when she goes back. he didn’t talk to me for that entire week which i understood because he’s a busy person but when i went back it was like he was a completely different person. he decided to talk to me about this entire thing and told me to leave that i left him and i should be messing with his emotions and to this day i still don’t understand what i really did and i feel horrible about it. and i didn’t want to say no i’m not leaving so i went back to my family i mean i didn’t have anywhere else to go. then he broke up with me and blamed it on me.

now: all i can say and ask myself is what did you do was it really your fault how can i fix everything. when i was younger i went through i was raped from a guy (student) in my school and i don’t know how else to say it but i guess i was damaged after that i couldn’t see anything the same and i was depressed and suicidal. at the time my boyfriend went to a different school so he had no clue until i told him this past summer i told him everything and he was understanding and supportive and he was there for me and i loved him so much for it and i knew he wouldn’t tell anyone because he’s a really trustworthy person. and now it’s all gone i literally have no one and i have been so depressed throughout this entire thing and i don’t know how not to be. i just want to be happy.