Dear, step brother

Is it possible to love and hate someone? Before and after everything happened, you were my oldest brother, and we were a family. I love you for being my family, but I hate you for what you did and how I can’t get over it, even after 9 years.

I was only 6 years old, and you were 12. I just don’t understand what mindset you had back then. How could you look at your little sister and decide you want to sexually assault and rape her, multiple times?

At the time I didn’t know what was happening to me. I only knew I was scared but since he was my brother, it was okay because I loved him. Eventually my parents suspected, and straight out asked me if he has done anything. I said no because I didn’t want anything to happen to him, and I was scared of what would happen to me.

Next time they asked, you said yes. Maybe it was guilt, or you knew you couldn’t say no and then believe you. But they took you away and my parents promised to protect me and such.

When I visited you in the juvenile center, I cried because I missed you and hugged you. I still didn’t understand why you were gone.

But when you came home two years after you left, I had an idea. I still loved you though, and my memories from that time were blurry, so I didn’t remember much. I just couldn’t stand to be in the same room as you alone, it made me uncomfortable. I still loved you though.

But when I turned 13 or so, my memories started coming back in the form of nightmares. That’s when I started hating you. I couldn’t get them to go away.

Now, at the age of 15, you’re out of the house, about to turn 21, and hours away from me.

I still have nightmares, I still hate you, but I love you. I hope you have a nice life, because I don’t think I can handle seeing you in person for a long period of time.