He actually hurt me..

It's been a few hours now, but I still can't believe it.. after everything I've been through, my husband really hurt me..

I have a son from a previous relationship, and his father hasn't been involved in his life since he was born, so I was very much on my own with him until my husband and I got together when my son was 2. I worked alot to support us until my husband got out of the military less than a year ago. Once we got pregnant, I became very sick and was on bedrest for most of the pregnancy and had to quit my job. Which really sucked at the time, but gave me more time to spend with my 4 yr old and prepare for the baby. Well, despite spending more time together, I couldn't help but notice how far behind my son was and pushed his pediatrician for months to get him evaluated. Once that finally happened, he was officially diagnosed with a high-functioning form of autism. But the process has been annoyingly slow. With school and therapy in mind, I've been trying to get as much set up as possible, but have been wondering if homeschooling would be the best option for him until he's progressed enough to go to public school.

Jumping ahead to yesterday.. After doing some late night reading and research while being up with my newborn, I was able to pinpoint which form of autism I think my son has. That afternoon, my husband brings it up and we discussed it for a bit before he started getting nervous on how to phrase a statement that I now cannot get out of my head. On the subject of me homeschooling him, he said "I mean, he's four years old now, and look at how he's doing. I think he should be taught by someone who has training in this and can actually help him." Now, on an unbiased, rational level, I understand his thinking and his reasons. But for my insecure and fragile self, all I heard was 'you aren't good enough to do this based on how far behind he is right now. Someone else can and should do it better'.

I am not the type to argue or yell, I just pull back and go silent most of the time. And that's exactly what happened. I just couldn't even respond to anything he was saying. I have always struggled with my self doubt as a mother and always try to do my best. But hearing him tell me I can't homeschool my child was like a slap to the face.. And I knew I couldn't even try to defend myself without sounding like I was making excuses.. I just sat there and cried quietly, not wanting my son to hear me and get upset too. I made my husband take me home and took a shower so I could cry alone in peace.. Afterwards I told him I didn't want to talk about it and we went on with our evening plans like everything was fine... But I am just so hurt and feel like such a failure as a mother... I want to be angry with my husband, but I just can't get out of this fucking pitty party...idk what to do..