I don't want to have kids?

Question

Hi so I am 23 right now my bf is 25, we are together 7 years. A few months back we had a serious talk about having kids (he wants them in the future). Right now I can't see myself as a mother I don't want to have kids (he knows that I am not ready now and he accepts it). I feel extremely afraid of giving birth. It's not even about the pain but spreading legs in front of everyone it just scary (I am afraid of being touched by other people that I don't trust all kind of weird shit). 
He is not pushing me to anything and he seems to understand that I am simply not ready for that yet. I am just afraid that I never will be ready, and that I will ruin his chance to have a normal family. 
My mom and my sister(she got 2 kids already) are saying that it will all come with the time, that they were the same, that I don't have to worry it will come to me at certain age. But what if it stay like that?
I want to want having kids. I feel so awful like I am broken or something. I don't want to have them because of him and forcing myself to do it. I want it to be my decision I want to be excited and happy about having a kid. 
I just want to know how it was with you: does need of having kids comes with age? Should I breakup with him?

Answer

Going to counseling will help you figure it out. There's a big difference between not wanting children at all and being afraid of the process. A therapist can help you figure out what the issue is and how best to resolve it. Not everyone wants children and that's ok. I'd rather someone not have children than to feel pressured into having one they don't want. Once you know where your at, you can discuss it with your partner.

Answer

Hi girls, I am author of this post. 
As you advised I talked with him. It was the best decision ever. I was afraid  how he will react - it is bigger deal than what we will eat for dinner. I told him that I understand if he wants to leave me. I can say that I am lucky having him by my side.
He told me that he understands and he is not feeling that he is waisting his time waiting for me. I told him about my fears and he even mentioned adoption (in the future). He told me that if I won't be ready that's fine as well as long as we are together and I am happy.
Honestly I feel sooooooo much better now. This thing was making me anxious for such a long time. I was afraid that I won't fulfil his expectations and because of that I forgot that he is my best friend.
Thank you for your support. You are the best community ever! 💕

Answer

Its ok to not want kids. Two of my friends and their spouses are onboard with no kids. If your SO wants them though, its time to break up 💔 theres no compromise for kids/ no kids and will leave one of you resentfuk

Answer

That's totally fine! I wanted to have a baby when I was 24, but I thought we should wait until our finances were more stable. Then when I hit 25 it was like a switch flipped and I suddenly didn't want kids. I was scared because my husband did and I had wanted them so bad before, so what happened? After a year and a half I finally had my 'okay let's do this' moment. So we decided to try. Now I'm 28 with a 5 month old and I'm really happy. It's different for everyone. You'll know when you're ready, don't rush yourself.

Answer

I never wanted to have kids but once I met the right guy I realized I wanted a family. I’m a shy person and always said I didn’t want a dr down there when I’m pushing so I just won’t have kids. I now have 2 girls and pregnant with baby number 3. I didn’t even even care at the time on who is where and what’s being touched because labor hurts and i wanted the baby out so I could hold and snuggle them!

Answer

I'm with you girl. I'm 33. Removed my tubes last year. Best decision of my life. Overpopulation is real, the environment is dying, and look who our president is!

Answer

Hubby and I started dating at 18 at 3 we were married then at 32 I have a daughter.
Fear of having a bad relationship after marriage because of our parents bad relationships made me not want to get married
Fear of having a baby made me never want to have children. Just the while pushing a baby out your vagina thing! Horrible
However when I was proposed to I said yes. Had a mini breakdown about a month after being proposed to...then a freak out about a week before the wedding-which I can say was the best day of my life
Then baby came along and the birth was perfect she is amazing everything I ever feared I didn’t need to fear.
Maybe one day you will feel the same...if not will your partner be ok with never having a mini him?

Answer

I was the same way. I swore that I knew I never wanted kids. I felt bad for not feeling “motherly” but as I saw all of my friends get pregnant, I couldn’t get there mentally. It wasn’t until I was 28 that I woke up one day and told my husband “I want a baby.” I don’t know where it came from, or why, but it was there. I hated having my legs wide open on a table, and I was even uncomfortable with my husband looking at what they were doing down there. I simply asked him to not look, and I was covered mostly, and even while pushing, only my doctor and delivery nurse had their faces down there. My husband was by my side, but was with me, not all up in my stuff. 
It really helped me that I had the same nurse from start to finish, and she was amazing. She built a lot of rapport with me before she even touched me, and she always made sure to ask and tell me what she was going to do. Having a baby is scary stuff, so being walked through every step made a difference. I wouldn’t say to break up, as your mind MIGHT change. If it doesn’t, that’s okay, too. I would give it some more time if the only reason you’re considering leaving is because of the different opinion on children right now. As you said, you’re only 23. 23 for me was NOT the time to have kids and it terrified me when I knew girls that had multiple kids at 23. I think that was a huge factor.. to see other people my age have kids and feel like “well, I don’t want their life so I guess I never want kids”

Answer

For all women it’s different. If you are absolutely certain you don’t want to have kids, I’d consider finding a new partner who has the same wants as you. However, if you’re on the fence it may just be something that will change with time. It’s pretty common to hear traumatic birth stories, and I feel like a lot of what we are told about it seems super scary. I would suggest looking at positive birth stories- there are a ton on YouTube, so that maybe your fear of giving birth will be eased. You shouldn’t not have kids because you are scared of birth. Your body is designed to do it, and it doesn’t have to be a horrible painful experience. Also, there is always the option to adopt, or foster which would be a great alternative to giving birth, while still growing your family. You’re still young, so maybe try to picture having a child when you’re 30, maybe that will feel less intimidating. But also know it’s ok to not want kids, but I’d just be honest with your partner as it wouldn’t be fair for either of you to pretend you want them when you don’t.

Answer

Also maybe look into talking with a midwife at a birthing center or midwifery. They give a more personal experience to childbirth

I don't want to have kids?

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