I want another baby 😭

Let me start by saying that I am so incredibly grateful for the beautiful/healthy 7 month old boy we were blessed with and this by no means reflects my love for him. He lights up my everyday...

BUT... I really really want another baby. I had a hard pregnancy; I was very sick the entire time, I felt ugly, huge and riddled with fears and anxiety 24/7. I just wanted the pregnancy to be over and to know my baby was healthy. I didn’t take the time to enjoy any of my pregnancy. I took photos of my growing baby bump but never shared them with anyone because I was embarrassed of how I looked and I didn’t want to “jinx” the pregnancy by posting pics (don’t ask, it made total sense when the crazy pregnancy hormones were flowing)... I now look at my 4 only baby bump pics I wish I would have done the whole maternity photo shoot and newborn photo shoot and proudly shared the shit out of them.

Initially, My husband was the one pushing for a second baby and I was the one on the fence as I had just had a very difficult postpartum period. But now that we’ve been talking about it on and off for the last 7 months and I’m getting excited about having #2, my husband is the one on the fence. He is 10 years older than i am and having a second baby would interrupt his early retirement plan (he wants to retire in 10 years but having a second baby would make that financially impossible) and I know he gets self conscious about being the “old dad”.

But I’m feeling kinda heartbroken at the thought of never experiencing pregnancy, birth, a newborn baby again. And never having the opportunity to be proud and confident and share the beauty of pregnancy (constant vomiting and all) How do you come to terms with only having one child when you really want/crave another baby and your spouse does not? I’m 36 years old so I can’t wait years to figure this out. Getting pregnant is only going to get harder and riskier. I don’t want to be selfish and try to convince my husband to have another child if he doesn’t want another. He’s an amazing father and has worked so hard to be where he is financially and in his career. I don’t want him to resent me for having to work longer than he would have had to had I not come into his life... am I being selfish? Am I alone in feeling like this?!