Tell me I’ll be okay please


I’m losing my mind I feel so lost and alone. I’m so sad I’m in so much pain, I need to vent to someone to anyone please. My whole life I feel like I’ve always been depressed. I don’t know if I’ll ever be happy it feels so hard to keep going. When I was young in elementary I was bullied for being overweight. When I was 11, my appendix erupted and my blood got contaminated, I had to get several surgeries. I stayed for a month at the hospital but was so close to dying. When I got out I got skinny and had no curves so when I went back to school (6th grade) I was getting bullied for that too. It got to the point where I started self harming, 6 years later now I’m 18 and I still have those scars. I tried to commit suicide as well. They would tell me they would make my life a living hell and that I was a hoe and I was a cry baby. There was a lot of problems at home too so I felt alone. My parents found out and my mom got really mad I convinced her to let me do online school. My dad was really sad he said if I ever died he would come with me. Fast forward to 2016 October 9 the day my daddy committed suicide. My mom dad and I have always been a tight family we’d watch movies every night and we’re just so close I love them so much. My mom and dad argued a lot but they loved each other, their fights were mostly about him cheating and drinking. So I woke up and heard my mom doing the dishes and my dad came home at almost 9 am (he gets out of work at 4am he’s a security at a night club) and my mom just started telling him why did he take so long and they just argued but I heard my mom tell him “you’re really going to kill me?” I got up and tried to be quiet and saw he was putting away his gun, he had aimed it at her. I called the cops and they said they were on the way. I was so afraid I loved my daddy so much we were a good family but his drinking and drugs made him different. I called my mom to my room and locked us in there she said why did I call the cops he’s going to kill himself. And I just looked at her crying. Then my dad was outside the door and said “that’s messed up you guys called the cops” my mom stepped outside and told him to relax she’ll talk to the police so they can leave and I went after her and my daddy’s last words to me were “it was you?” He looked so hurt I can’t forget the look on his face. I was the last one to see him, as I was walking out the door I heard the gunshot. Even thought it was wrong of him to do that I feel so guilty it was my fault he killed himself. We all loved him and cared for him but he wasn’t himself. I was 15, going to turn 16 a month after the incident. In 8th grade (14 yrs old) I met a boy who I really liked and my dad met him. Only boy my dads met. We had broke up but I called him after my dads death because I needed a shoulder. Now I’m 18, and my knight in shining armor turns out to be a villain. He’s very abusive and mean. He used to slap me and punch my legs, push my chest so hard he’d leave bruises, that was about a year and a half ago around 2017-2018. Now he’s gotten better but he still pushes me and chokes me. He calls me mean names like a bitch and a hoe. But I started to defend myself I hit him back and scratch him. I know it’s a horrible toxic relationship but he reminds me of my dad and it makes me sad because he’s the only boy my dad met. He’s the one that takes care of me now. I know I need to leave but I can’t because as cliche as it is I love him. I feel so depressed I feel so worthless. I feel unwanted I just wish my dad were still here because I know he would protect me. I just feel so stuck I’m losing my mind. Does it really get any better? I want to just end my life and make the pain go away. My life just gets worse.. please someone tell me it’ll be okay