Considering divorce

My husband is military and was away for a year. When he came back either we were not the same or our differences showed even more. He had a tough year at work and we argued the whole time. Then our baby was born and passed away 3 weeks later. We have two older kids as well.

We have been through ALOT! Unfortunately thru this I’ve started to realize more and more how I don’t know if I love him or want to be with him. He insists we are fine and should just work on our marriage and love one another. I never feel close to him, our goals differ, we can never get on the same page.

He also hates if I look on his phone which I always find shady AF he says it’s because he deserves privacy.

Every time I try to get close it’s like bam back to arguing I’m already depressed about losing my baby and depressed for being in a draining relationship.

I don’t know if it’s just me being crazy and needy or if it’s that I just don’t love him and this is SO much work! Our relationship has had so many problems in the past and I was dumb enough to stay. Now he says he’s older and just wants to be settled and love me and not be the guy he was a long time ago but the trust is gone. The hearts been broken too much and now I’m just so drained. Even our sex life sucks!

Problem is everytime I go to leave I realized love him so much and I would have to start over on my own with 2 kids and a dog. I currently stay at home and so would need to find something to support us all. I just don’t know what to do and I probably won’t get advice on this but just needed to get it off my shoulders