Nightmares(TW:distressing content)

I was diagnosed with depression back in late January after I was admitted to a mental hospital after I opened up to my boss that I was suicidal and self harming. I was put on a medication with a low dose, I was informed of side effects such as constipation and diarrhea but, I haven’t had those or any PHYSICAL side effect in general while on the medication. Days after I was discharged, I started to have nightmares where I relapse from self harm and a couple times, I woke up crying from it. One side effect of the medication is nightmares. In my case, recurring nightmares.

Another recurring nightmare I’ve been having recently is where I’m sent back to the mental hospital I was admitted to when I was suicidal. I felt homesick and empty and the pain felt real. I had two other nightmares that I don’t wish to discuss but, in my most recent one, I woke up terrified as hell. In my dream, I was wearing a towel as I had gotten out of the shower and I vented to my boyfriend about the nightmares I was having.

I was in tears as I vented to him. Suddenly, he found a knife that looked like a scalpel used by doctors and he got behind me and I couldn’t ignore it as I was in front of the mirror. My boyfriend put the sharp blade to my throat and being cut hurt. The dream felt real especially when I was cut and it freaking hurt. I remember being in pain saying “Baby, don’t!” as I was begging him not to hurt or kill me. Thankfully, my boyfriend didn’t cut me to the point of me bleeding to death or needing a trip to the emergency room.

However, I put pressure on my injury with a small towel to stop the bleeding. It felt like a cat scratch and it hurt. The time in the dream was 5:53 am, close to six am. Funny thing about the dream is my mom saw me in a towel but, didn’t ask about my other towel. However, my boyfriend disappeared without a trace and after six am, I ran away from home. It was dark as the sun hadn’t risen yet. I woke terrified and I nearly cried.

Opened up about the nightmares to my mom and how much I wish I could get off the meds. She told my dad and I have an appointment with the doctor coming up on Tuesday hopefully. I just wish I could get off my antidepressants completely and not have to take them ever again.