First time being intimate ...kinda

A few days ago, I tried getting intimate for the first time since being sexually assaulted in March.

It’s not the first time I get sexually assaulted — the first time was in high school. This time, I’m finishing my second year of college. Both times, I knew the guy. Someone I’d see every day, hang out with pretty often, have conversations with. The second time it happened felt a lot worse than the first.

The guy I was getting intimate with a few days ago is a really good friend. He helped me through that second experience (I had only met him this year), he never judged me and he cared for me. He even admitted to having feelings for me, and I felt like I did too.

I had no intention of having sex (didn’t happen) or going too far in any way (sort of happened). I didn’t initiate anything with him, but when he did, I got in the mood.

However, whenever he tried to put his hands directly on my skin, I would flinch. Whenever he tried to lift my shirt, I’d move his hands away — I didn’t want him to see my body, or feel the flaws. I kept stopping and moving away between what felt like intense moments, and I could tell he got a little annoyed by that.

At one point, I started to feel pain, like cramps, and I wanted to stop completely. After a few minutes he sort of talked me into continuing for a bit with him, and I didn’t want to upset him so I did what he wanted, to an extent.

When I left, he messaged me apologizing for being pushy, saying he didn’t want me to be uncomfortable.

I explained to him that he’s the first person I was intimate with since the assault. I would even avoid hugging people. I told him I still have to get used to being touch at all, that ever since what happened, I’ve been feeling like my body isn’t my own. He got really dry with me, saying things like “okay,” and “no problem.” No actual conversation since then.

I just wanted to get this off my chest because it upset me a little. I’m also confused about that pain I had; it’s never happened before.

Honestly, after what happened, I can’t tell if I’m a prude or some loose whore (my mother calls me that). I feel like these things are my fault, that I did something wrong.

I’m just confused, and upset, and feel guilty. What am I doing wrong? Why does it keep happening to me?

Sorry for making this long. I tried to keep it short.