They don’t know.

My son is 3 weeks old. Our first week was very hard but the easiest was breastfeeding. immediately since birth he had a perfect latch and ate well. I thanked God that I didn’t have trouble with that.

Then my milk came in. My breasts were hard and full, and leaking all over. I was glad it was producing enough for my baby, though.

But then it became difficult. He wouldn’t latch. He was getting frustrated and so was I. We cried a lot.

I switched to pumping.

I live in Trinidad, in the Caribbean where money is different. An electric breast pump is thousands of dollars. So I got a manual one. I pumped 15 minutes on both sides so 30 minutes in total. That was easy. It made me happy to see what my body was doing for my baby.

Then it got hard again. Because I had to pump for so long, every 2 hours and I had a newborn, it got in the way fast. Every two to three hours he was waking to eat, but at the same time I had to pump. I couldn’t feed him because my hands were full. I tried to feed and pump but he’d end up choking. I felt bad for having to starve him so I could pump. We cried some more.

I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t shower. Everytime the baby fell asleep it was time to pump. My life revolved around pumping. My pump still wasn’t draining my milk completely. I got clogged ducts. My nipples were raw, my pump was the wrong size but it only came in one size.

My baby became very gassy. He’d scream and cry and i wouldn’t know how to help him. Gripe water didn’t work and neither did massages. I was told my diet was making him gassy.

The night before last I cried for the last time. I had bought a can of Enfamil Soy just in case. In the morning I made it and gave it to him. He drunk it all and hasn’t been gassy since. He slept longer.

But I cried again. I felt like a failure. All I wanted was to be able to feed my baby. But I had to consider my sanity as well. I kept telling myself as long as he ate, it didn’t matter.

My aunts came over to meet him today. They told me to give him my breasts to comfort him. I explained him not latching. They said I had to keep trying and I said I did. They said try harder.

They don’t know how hard I tried, how much I cried. The hours pumping, the breakdowns from spilling milk. Having to comfort my hungry baby so I could finish pumping and having to give him the milk I pumped right away. They don’t know, or atleast understand how hard breastfeeding really is.

So with that being said, who cares how you feed your kid, just feed them. It’s never worth your sanity.