Separation Blues

After 11 years together with my partner, we are separating. I’ve had the opportunity to take a step back I’ve learned how manipulative and controlling he’s been. We’ve lived together for the past three years in a house that I purchased but foolishly put his name one. He led me to believe we’d be getting married so it made sense to me to have the house in both our names. I actually told him it was a condition of putting his name on title. Since moving in, we got along great so long as I didn’t complain about his never helping me around the house, didn’t mention marriage, his inability to save money for our future, or his going out until all hours of the night drinking with his friends. We are in our thirties and thought he had outgrown the party bug. He is also obsessed with playing sports and spends at least 4k a year on golf alone.

Whenever I tried to talk to him about my concerns with the above, he’d tell me he wasn’t sure he wanted to marry me. We even tried to get pregnant a couple times only for him to tell me after that he didn’t want kids with me. I had to wait to see if I was pregnant with that playing in my mind. Eventually I learned that he couldn’t be trusted to be honest about his intentions with me.

I tried to end our relationship several times but it was very difficult because I do love him. For months at a time I would wrestle with whether or not to leave him for good. One morning in April I found a condom in his pocket after he had been out until 1:30 am on a Thursday night. I confronted him and he told me it was a condom left over from the past weekend and that he didn’t do anything. He made sure to tell me that the condom was indicative of the fact that he’d given up on me. Later, I found an entire box of condoms and a giant bottle of personal lubricant. Five condoms were missing from the box and there was an empty wrapper inside.

A few weeks ago I came home from work to find our bedroom and upstairs bathroom spotless. He had been home while I worked all day and cleaned which he never does. He also bought new bedding and threw out our old bedding instead of washing it. I looked in his drawer next to the bed to find the same box of condoms and lubricant. I confronted him and he lied to me. He panicked and immediately tried to sneak the condoms and lube out of the house and into his car.

I have been sleeping in a guest room, so I didn’t have to sleep in the same bed he had sex with someone else in all day. But it still hurt me and made me feel dirty and uncomfortable in my own house.

That was the turning point for me. I told him I would buy him out and wanted him to leave.

While I bought the house, we both paid the mortgage and he put up and fence and a deck at his own cost of less than 4K.

The house was built for me by a family member. I alone provided the down payment. He moved in with less than $800 to his name.

I’ve had the house appraised twice and have made him a very fair offer based on the higher appraised value. He wants 25k more than my offer because he “feels” like the house is worth more than the two professional opinions I have. He wants me to look at real estate listings he feels are comparable and have his real estate agent friend come through and give his opinion for me to base the offer on.

This man has invested less than 16k of his own money to the household. He never would have been able to have a house without me. Especially this one as it was built for me by a family member. I’ve offered him over $62k and he thinks I’m the one taking advantage of him.

Again, his moving in and name on title was conditional on us getting married (I’m so glad we didn’t). But he wants to take more money from me because years from now, I could sell the house and make a profit.

He’s really hurt me. He continues to hurt me and seems intent on taking absolutely everything I’ve worked for.

This guy can’t save money for anything. He’s made more than 20k more than me a year for our entire relationship, yet never had any money for us. Now I’m offering him my life savings and it’s still not enough.

I’m scared and sick and have lost 20 pounds in three months. I can’t eat or sleep or function at work properly. And there is no end in sight. He told me yesterday that he intends to live in our house until September and hasn’t even been looking at other housing options.

He still goes out every Thursday to have sex with this person. He makes up a new lie every week before going to hook up. He told me if I was with anyone, he’d crack some skulls.

He also tells me I’m too skinny and makes comments about how small my breasts seem now. He still orders me around like he used to in terms of telling me to clean or get groceries, essentially take care of him still,

I can’t take much more. Any advice?