“Talk to him about it”....doesn’t work


Just about all the time when women post about issues they’re having with their men, they’re advised to “talk to him about it”. But what if every time you try to talk to your man about something it turns into an argument and he tells you that you’re always complaining and starting arguments?

That’s my problem. I bring up an issue to discuss with him. I’m not coming at him with hostility; I’m not yelling or raising my voice; I’m not swearing or any of that. I’ve tried face to face talking so he can see me and read my body language and see I’m not coming at him wrong. I’ve tried composing texts so that I can edit them and make sure I’m not coming off as rude or hostile. I’ve tried talking it out over the phone.

What do you do when every time you want to talk to your man about something you’re told you’re a complainer and starting arguments?

Here’s the pattern:

1. I bring up an issue

2. He gets defensive; he points the figure at me about stuff that has nothing to do with the issue I’ve brought up and starts slinging mud.

3. I get defensive and sling mud back at him.

4. He yells; I yell (the original issue gets drowned out) Things get nasty.

5. My blood pressure starts going up (I was recently put on BP medicine 6 weeks ago and they even had to increase it 2 weeks ago).

6. I give up because I see the same pattern emerging. I just want to quit the relationship.

7. He turns into a reasonable person and addresses the original issue, but at that point I’m hurt from all the other unnecessary crap he has said.

I don’t understand why we can’t just discuss the issue without all the stuff in the middle; avoid the yelling and mud slinging.

My SO is 28; I’m 49 and I just can’t keep doing the yelling and the drama. I love him but it seems I can’t have a discussion with him without my BP going up and I don’t want to put my health at risk. This has been going on for five years; we’ve been in counseling this past year for it and the same thing is still happening. I’m at the end of my rope and I broke up with him last night. Now he’s calling and texting and seems to think that if he tells me he loves me a thousand time, that’ll make it all better but I know that the next time I bring up an issue, the cycle will just repeat.