Depression...After Birth..It's Real

A joyous feeling.. is what most people tell you about becoming a parent. However, for a first time mom like me, I would say it's quite far from joyous.

It didn't hit me until I brought our child home 1 week after being in the N.I.C.U. The very first moment that I heard him cry, I panicked. I'm anxious and didn't know what to do.

Days went by and I have to face the reality that I have to be with my child, alone. I found myself terrified to my own child. I have no clue on how to take care of him.

I started thinking that I'm incompetent to be a mother. Crying days and nights - not my baby, but myself. I rely on every helped that I can get just to get a pass on not to deal with my baby... his cry makes me extremely anxious. It hurts my heart knowing I want to be the one holding my son yet another person is doing it for me.

These are the thoughts and moments I had during the first week of becoming a mother.

It's not that I don't want to take care of him, I love him with all my heart, It just feels that my brain and my body does not want to function with all the changes in my life and with the forever responsibilties and with the sleep deprivation, it's making it worst.

Days gone by and I thought, these baby blues will go away.... but then I still feel quite the same and don't seem to be enjoying my time with him, yet. I started missing my old life. Being able to go out and not feeling trapped inside my house. I missed having an alone time with my husband...... I am missing a lot of things.

When people tell me how my life would change after having a child, I really didn't believe them until it happened to me.

My main priority now is to take care if this human being. This helpless human being who needs my love as his mother. My life isn't about me now. It's about him.

I am not proud but I feel like I have to share it to others, depression is real. It's like living in a fog day by day. But I know that it will get better. My son is the greatest blessing that God has given me.

But the best part despite all these negative feelings I have felt, is when he falls asleep in my arms and seeing him smile... to see him grow healthier day by day and to discover new things about him and about life-itself.