I’m losing myself

Well after being 3 weeks late AF showed her ugly face. I can’t take all of these fake outs. It’s like my body is playing some kind of cruel joke on me, making me think for sure that I’m pregnant every month and then just taking it away. I just want it to happen. I want to see those stupid pink lines. I want to go through the morning sickness and the backaches. I want to feel the little kicks in my belly and hear the heartbeats and see my baby grow. I want to go through the excruciating labor and seemingly endless sleepless night rocking my little baby. I want to look into their eyes and see the fused features of myself and the man I love more than life. I want to hear that little voice calling me mommy and the pitter patter of their little knees banging across the floor. And every month that goes by it gets harder and harder. I feel like a zombie. Every waking second of every day I’m either holding back tears because I failed this month or racking my brain with nerves during the TWW just to be shot down yet again. I don’t feel like myself anymore and I can’t take another negative , I simply can’t.