I can’t do it anymore... but I will anyway.

I’m worn from taking care of everyone but my husband and I.

I can’t turn to anyone else this time of night (110 am) and I don’t trust anyone but my hubby to talk to about it and he already knows.

I say this because I just picked up my older brother (just got out of the Marines) from the bar again... it took us an hour to drive 4 blocks because he kept puking over and over again, my heart aches for him so much and I still lie awake and will until tomorrow morning. Listening to him vomit in our bathroom...

I will always have his six but it’s tiring after it happens this many times in a month...

When my husband and I got married... it wasn’t our wedding, it was a battle of mother in laws (who don’t like one another) but that is a story for another time.

In the end, it was a wonderful day because I get to spend forever with my love..

Three months later we miscarried our little one in the middle of opening gifts with our family on Christmas Day... I was blamed for it directly after it happened by his mother... as you can imagine, we haven’t spoke since.

Two weeks after that, our neighboring apartment dweller shot someone, then himself... my husband and I tourniqueted the young kid and did what we could for the other, to no avail. It was the first time he has ever been a part of something like that, it shook him for months. Being a cops kid, this wasn’t my first but scary none the less because I didn’t have my dad with me.

We got a house within days of the shooting that immediately became a hotel of sorts. Friends who were in dangerous relationships stayed for awhile, their crazy boyfriend waving a gun at our house threatening to kill us all because she was there and we (Kids of law enforcement- we had the cops involved immediately) wanted to keep her safe. I’ve known her for years... she and the guy are now getting married and she refuses to talk to us.

Another friend I’ve had for 13 years now asked to stay with us a few weeks after a nasty break up with a BSC fiancé. We obliged. Three months later, no rent paid, and a profession of undying love for me ( which was met with a near broken nose for him and very dark backlash from my parents and I ) we were able to kick him out. To this day, he despises us. We have no regrets because of how terribly he treated us.

I have 3 jobs... one is new and going well but I’m training so I don’t work often. The other two, well. They are jokes and I’m unsure as to why I still work for them.

Before anyone says anything, my husband is in the Guard so he is at trainings ALOT so when he is gone, I try to pick up as many of the bills as I can to take some stress from his shoulders when he comes home. Anyway, those jobs combined maybe bring in $300 a month for me... yeah.

We are trying for a baby again, obviously, it hasn’t worked out because of how stressed I am and it breaks my heart even more every month when I can’t tell my beloved that he’s going to be a father but instead have to see the sadness in his eyes that he tries to hide before giving me the most giant hug and saying “it will happen when the timing is perfect baby”.

I have the greatest, most loving husband in the world.

All of these things have happened between Sept. 20, 2018... to now.

I’m not looking for pity, I’m not asking for apologies or “just pray about it” comments, I honestly don’t care if their are no comments, I just needed a place where I can freely release the pain that is rapidly deteriorating my heart.

I’m physically, mentally, and emotionally completely drained and broken.

However, I’ll keep fighting, not for me or the people who expect everything from me with no intention to even utter the words “thank you.”. Not my friends or quite honestly my family (estranged for the most part anyway) No, none of them.

For my husband. For his dreams, and for his heart. He has given me the world, a smile each and every day from the moment we met, and unending, unconditional love. I owe it to him to be stronger then I am, and to not give into the trenches dug in my path.

For you, my darling, I’ll battle the worst storms.