I am USELESS

They say all pregnancies are different and I will agree that that is true. This is my 4th pregnancy.

This pregnancy has been a roller coaster. I avoided all morning sickness which I thought I was lucky. But ever since then things are just not going so well.

I feel so alone because I feel like no one understands. If I do explain myself I think it’s considered complaining.

I miss my old self. The happy me. The feel good me. The being at peace me. I feel broken in spirit and physically everyday. I don’t remember feeling like this in my other pregnancy’s until almost the end. I just turned 20 weeks. This has been going on for a few weeks now.

My mood is always down even when I don’t want it to be. I’m sad when I don’t even want to be sad. I’m exhausted. No energy to do anything. I now have pelvic pain which I didn’t get before until the end. With this baby I have it already. Because of it it hurts to sit, get up, get in my car, get out of the car, use the toilet, get in the shower, climb in and out of the bed. Very hard to bend over. My back feels weaker and weaker everyday. I already had back problems before all this. I walk with such a pain in my lower back but I suck it up and walk as straight but as slow as I can so no one asks or so that the pain doesn’t get any worse.

I feel so useless. I’ve lost my ways. Screaming from inside but feel stuck. 20 weeks left to go and I feel so dead. It has taken a toll in my relationship too. I try not to talk so I don’t feel suffocated. I’m sure he’s getting ready to leave me but something stops him. He says it’s not the baby that keeps him around but I feel so powerless that I don’t know what to do. I want him to be happy and I don’t see him happy with me. I’m so caught up with all the pain that I can’t find the happiness to love him like he deserves.

I just hope that one day he understands that it’s not him.

So I guess that for the next 20 weeks I’ll be as dead as I can be. No one will understand anyways. Hopefully someone does. I just want this to be over and get passed the postpartum depression so I can get back to my old self and be happy with all my children. My two girls and baby boy. Never forgetting our baby in heaven. 😞