No more babies for me and I am so sad about it
I am not sure where I should post this. I just want to write down my feelings and allow myself to feel sad. So here is my little story:
I have 3 children. I have two daughters and a son. My kids are my life. They are the best things that ever happened to me. My first born was a totally unplanned baby. I was only 20. My husband and I were not ready for a baby. Then 4 years later we had another baby. My second girl. She is the craziest toddler now! Me and hubby decided we will try for a boy and God gave us one. My handsome boy is my jewel, the apple of my eye. The girls are obsessed with him too. My husband kept joking about having a fourth and final baby. I was not ready for him to tell me he does not want any more babies. All this time, I thought (we said) we will have four. I just feel so devastated. Now I know others out there can tell me I have 3 babies I should be content and happy and all that stuff. But I am not. My heart wants what it wants and I want to grieve that unborn baby I thought I will have. Will this sadness ever go away? I see my friends planning their pregnancies and they ask me when our fourth will be coming and all I say to them is that we won’t be having another. I am so sad about it. I am perfectly healthy and so is my husband. We don’t have any reasons not to have more other than that he changed his mind. I love my husband so much. He is my life, my everything. And i respect his decisions and I don’t and won’t try to change his mind. I accept it. I am just sad. And I want to write down how I feel because I don’t want to tell anyone else. I feel like now one will understand this because everyone will most likely say that I already have 3 babies, I should be happy and not want more. While I am happy, I am also sad. I will never hold my own newborn in my arms again, I will never kiss newborn lips again, I will never have to go through pregnancy and childbirth again. My heart and soul would have loved another baby but it is not in my future anymore.