Just venting...

Almost one year ago my MIL attacks and belittles my shy and quiet personality. Just out of the blue. We were having a lovely day, golfing together with our coach and as soon as we were finished she attacks me. I didn’t know what happened, I asked her to clarify or tell me what I did wrong that day but she kept saying, ‘I don’t want to talk about it’ but continued to belittle me anyway. No explanation.

I have never been so hurt in my life. Not by my own friends or my own family. I carried that hurt for a year and every time I hear the words ‘unfriendly‘ or ‘not open‘ I get very quiet or (when I’ve been drinking) I start crying (in public) and I feel embarrassed all over again. They’re almost like trigger words now.

I know it’s too late to say anything to her and she did apologize the next day and I forgave her but I still think about what she said to me and now I feel very anxious being around her. I’ve also started doubting myself around new people. I think to myself, ‘Am I really that person? Should I not act like that around other people? Do these people hate me now?‘

I am constantly doubting myself to the point where I don’t want to meet new people. I get nervous when the doorbell or my phone rings. I don’t want to hurt anyone else the way my MIL said I had hurt her. The problem is, she still never said what I did so I can’t fix what I am doing. I’m just this awkward almost 30 year old feeling like a pimply teenager again.

I know I may sound like a pansy, but I have never experienced such hateful words. Not even from my best friend when I neglected to spend more time with her. I wish I could just grow a pair and move past it.