I’m so self conscious - potential trigger warning!!

I’m on a great vacay in Europe but my insecurities are getting in the way of me enjoying this once in a life time experience

I’m 18, I’m 5’6 but have no idea how much I weight - I haven’t weighed myself since I was 11, because the number makes me feel so fucking bad about myself

Some days are okay, some that I love how I look but tonight is a night where I couldn’t leave the hotel because I looked so disgusting in the mirror before my shower

I just want a flat stomach and small thighs, I don’t want this flabby ugly body

I don’t even know how my S/O is attracted to me, if I were a guy and saw me naked I’d be disgusted. I stopped sending him teasing photos because it makes me so upset to take them over and over again and hate them

I’ve been on vacation for 2 weeks and I feel like I’ve gained 10kg, I feel like just making myself not eat and starve myself so when I get back I can look a little more decent or feel like I at least tried

I know this post is so fucking negative and I hope it didn’t hurt any of you, but my mind is so twisted with negativity about myself and I needed to write it somewhere and maybe get advice on how to make this stop