Need to get something off my chest ..

So the one thing I like about glow is the ability to share anonymously...I've had something on my chest but can't actually talk about it with anyone... I've been in my relationship for a year and a half , it's amazing right now, I love him and we've been closer than ever , but it hasn't always been like that , during the first year of our relationship he flew me out from my parent's since I was broke and sleeping on my mom's floor , he took me in and we began a relationship , arguments , arguments , ARGUMENTS. now this is normal to me and usually causes me to want to end it. I have abandonment issues sadly and anxiety so whenever I feel it'll just end with me being left alone I rather leave first. I as well have borderline personality disorder so it's not easy to deal with me. So we had a lot of good days where I felt all over him but whenever we disagreed it was bad. I knew him since I was younger but he wasn't much involved when I grew older and as everyone knows your teen years form you. So these arguments never got physical , but my friends at the time kept warning me about "red flags" I've had an ex which our fights did get a bit physical, where one ended with me pinning him down and sitting on his head to leave me alone . But him I could control. I didn't realize I put myself in another one. Well moving forward our first issue where I realized shit could get bad was when I came home from visiting family and I had trusted someone with some feelings of mine about the relationship and that person told someone else who told him. I ended up getting a large McDonald's drink aimed at my head when I came home 🙄 . My reaction was more surprised while he looked pissed off. All I responded was "why would you do that? Now you gonna eat a dry ass burger" we ended up laughing at the soda on the wall, he explained I shouldn't be telling anyone our shit and instead speak with him if I have a problem. .. well everything was good but then another argument happened where I then got choked and pushed off of a computer chair , reason ? I honestly forgot the reason, just cause after the argument I took a long shower and sat in the living room instead of confronting him. Now after that one we both got into each other's faces , as I said I had an ex who tried to go over my head so put your hands on me I go into defense mode. Not all the time sadly. Our fights simmered down but they were still there . Well this year we had a moment where we lost everything , lost our house , jobs . And had to seek help from our parents . Who refused since we own rats as pets and they hate them. So we slept in a van for a week , were pretty much homeless. We ended up losing almost all of our rats , they had suffocated . . So this caused an emotional outburst where he told me to leave , I told him to give me my things because I'm hurt and have no time for him. Him not letting me leave and telling me he needs me. And to where we dealt with each other while we grieved. Well we ended up leaving our hometown again , far far away from family . I was scared , being a woman away from your parents is scary , you don't know what can happen miles away. Well during our weeks at a motel , we got into the biggest fight ever. And this fight hurts me even now , because I saw a part of him I never thought I would see . Got into each other's faces , told him to get out of my face or do what he wants to do . And got punched in the side of my face. Was told to call the cops cause I'll need them, was told this is how I make people feel , told him to leave me alone and tried to lighly put my hands on his chest , got pushed again this time making me fall to the ground. Cried , begged for him to stop , he stood at the other side of the room watching me , told him I'll change and I'll stop being so complicated and I won't make him upset anymore. My ear was bleeding and I was scared.

I'm not asking for advice , for sympathy or for hugs and kisses. I know any girl in an "abusive relationship" should just leave. But I can't ... He's changed a lot since then , we haven't had any arguments any fights . After that happened he apologized and said he will work on his anger , which he did , amazingly. But I can't pretend this still doesn't hurt me because it does and he chooses not to speak about it because he says it makes him feel bad.... I just needed to get this off of my chest .

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