What would you do?

Question

I'm in a very bizarre situation and painted as the bad guy so I want to see what this looks like from the outside looking in. 
A little backstory. I have a brother whose 4 years younger than me (he's 26). Growing up, we were close until he hit his head in football. After that, my brother is antisocial, reclusive, angry, has anxiety and depression and is an alcoholic (now that he's older). Most of my adult life, from graduation in 07' to now 2019, I've had less than a handful of conversations with my brother. Now, I've been with my husband for 8 years. Since we have been together, my husband and I have also only spoke to my brother less than a handful of times as well. The point of me saying this is because we don't know my brother and what he's capable of. We've never been to his house or invited once. We simply don't know the guy. 
Fast forward to 2 years ago when I had my son. My son's almost 2 now and the entire 2 years, my mother and father usually watch my son every saturday, give or take, at which point, my brother cooks dinner so they don't have to and bring the baby to his house. Now, we didn't have a problem with it in the beginning because we figured my brother needed time to warm up to us considering his anxiety. So it's been 2 years now and my brother has made zero efforts in becoming a part of our lives and instead just involved with my son when we AREN'T present. 
My brother isn't a malicious person but I don't trust him. I trust my parents in taking my son over there to see his uncle but how are my husband and I the bad guys by stating "we want to be involved in the relationships our son is building in his life?" My parents have both hung up the phone on me (my mom did on video chat and my dad did over the phone) saying that they absolutely cannot believe I am acting this way. Which way am I acting? I'm so confused, distraught, hurt, sad, angry and mostly find their reactions to be bizarre towards my husband and I.
Can someone help clarify what is happening here and is our parenting wrong? What would you do?

Answer

I think she’s coming from the parental standpoint of “how can one of the children who came from my body have any hang ups about the other child who came from my body” type of a thing... if you had another child, you’d want them to get along and you would be really sad if one felt apprehensive of the other, no?
That said, she doesn’t have a right to be offended because you’re just being realistic. I love my brother but he doesn’t have a relationship with my kids and if he ever wanted to have one I’d definitely want to be involved.

Answer

I wouldn’t let someone I don’t trust watch/be around my son, period. Family doesn’t mean anything. Toxic is toxic. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Answer

I would never let my son be in the company of someone I didn’t know, trust or that took issue with me.

Answer

You're the parent, I don't care how outlandish your request may seem to someone else, it's your job as a parent to enforce it. I don't know your whole story, but just this little bit has my spidey senses all atingle. I don't like that you've been ousted, but your child is okay for your brother to hang around with, its creepy and weird. Now, I will say, perhaps there might be a little brain damage where he finds it to be more comfortable to associate with younger children versus teens and up. But, honestly, I'm so jaded, my radar goes off and I always think the worst. As a parent, I'd rather overreact when it concerns the safety and well being of my child, than not go with that screaming instinct and actually be right about something I've been told is ridiculous. No fucks given.🤷‍♀️

Answer

I think the stance you’re taking makes you look bad. You’re trying to make your brother sound like some unpredictable freak laying in wait to unleash unexpectedly. Your son has been around him two years but now you wanna say something?  If you’re concerned with your sons safety, you certainly have a weird way of showing it. It really just seems like you’re trying to control the situation and the people involved simply because your son is present. If you simply want to know the people in your child’s life, then get off your butt and take steps to form a relationship with your brother. You have a bunch of excuses for acting like you don’t know your brother and honestly it all sounded like excuses and bull crap.

Answer

Oh my gosh! I’m so sorry you’re dealing with this.
I feel for you so deeply! My brother has a lot of issues (just summing it up, tbh), so I know I’ll have to face some choices when I have my own kids down the line.
I cannot understand why they are expecting you to leave YOUR SON to form a relationship alone with someone who you don’t even know. That’s a ridiculous thing for them to even ask of you, and far more ridiculous for them to be upset when you say no!
It’s honestly a HUGE red flag to me that he doesn’t want to be involved if you’re around. If my brother pulled anything like that, I wouldn’t allow him near my kids...
That being said; YOU are his parents and you decide who he knows and doesn’t know. Just put your foot down! Don’t let them make you feel crazy for your choices.
You’ve got this, Momma 💪🏼💗

Answer

I only let my son around people I trust, ESPECIALLY when I’m not present.

What would you do?

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