It’s a looong story.

We my husband and I got married we were happy, I had found some thing out after being married to him that made me sick. He’s a police officer and when I was 8 weeks pregnant I found that he was riding around with other females in he police car, we got married 6 days before having the baby.

4 months PP AND married, I found nasty emails from 5 different people. I mean it was nasty, sexual emails. I didn’t even know he could talk that way, he had tried to take his phone away and I ended up with a broken foot.

Fights continued and after a while hadn’t made me feel appreciated in a long time.

No dates, no romance, no intimacy, no hand holding just hardly anything a quick kiss before he left. And when we would fight he would have ended up putting hands on me.

Then he decided that we should move for a job he wanted, I did. We moved 6 hours away from home. I did it all for him. I was stuck in our apartment every day all day without a car because he had ours for work. At this time my baby was 9-10 months old. I’d cook, clean every day and he’s a dinner waiting on him. He’d come home pissy and so on. Thered be times we were good but not the kind I needed. I just wanted to be loved like I should, we fought a lot. So I ended up leaving and coming back home for a month. I messed up and slept with a friend of his.. I regretted the moment it happened. Fast forward, I didn’t tell him I moved back with him and got pregnant a month later, still fighting still no romance or anything from his side.

Well a couple weeks ago we got into a fight and he kicked the shit out of me and left a huge bruise, Everyday for a long time he’d bitch about anything and everything even if our baby was crying he’d have something to say. So we ended up staying at different homes and being separated.

I went around with that same guy again, which I regret again. And I honestly think I’ve been through so much maybe I was trying to get back at him on how he treated me. Idk. My mentality is fucked.

But I want my husband and I to work things out.

A year ago before we ended up badly I begged to go get canceling he laughed in my face.

And he hates my guts right now, after all the bs he put me through making me feel like I wasn’t good enough after having a baby and so on. Right now we have a 2 year old and. 4 month old.

I ended up telling him the truth because that’s the right thing to do, I truly love him and I know he loves me, we’ve Been through sooo much and I’ve really dealt with a lot of shit from him. But I want to try to fix all the problems we have. He’s really pissed at me right now. And I understand but then again, all the shit he’s done to me it’s hard to get that he won’t even budge to try to fix things.

I forgave and forgave him. Hiding messages, hiding emails, lies about going places, lies about who was in his car, lies and lies. Making me feel way less then my worth. It kills me that I messed up but who could honestly blame me. He wouldn’t give me no attention, nothing. I set home everyday clean, cook, take care of kids. Surprise my husband with so much shit. All kinds of shit I did for him.