suicidal & want to give in

I’ve been suicidal for three years straight now; I’ve been depressed for I’m not sure how long. I actually attempted on my life a year ago. I thought I would feel better by now, but I actually feel worse. Not a day goes by that I don’t regret not following through.

I’m not unhappy about not having much family or many friends, I’m genuinely depressed that I have so many limitations on my life. I want a good life, I want stability.

I went to school, got a degree, I worked the entire way through, but I have so little to show for it which is all of my fault. I should’ve picked a better degree and school... A wonderful gpa and a few undergrad awards from a prestigious private university don’t guarantee a job like they say.

I’ve recently been diagnosed with an illness that keeps me bedridden for the most part. I’ve become so physically unwell that I can’t even sustain a basic position at a minimum wage job to get on my feet.

I’m tired of feeling like I want to die but prolonging my existence in hope that something good will come from my hard work and patience.

I wish I could anonymously bow out of my life so that I wouldn’t hurt any of the people that know me. I don’t want anyone to feel bad or responsible for my death. I don’t want a funeral. Probably sounds crazy, but I want everyone to continue with their lives and be happy that I’m no longer suffering. I wish I could talk to my friends and Aunt openly and let them know this is what I’ve wanted for a while now. A very long while.

I wish I could tell my boyfriend how I feel. I wish I could tell him that I want him to meet someone else that doesn’t have to cancel on dates because they’re unable to leave their bed. I wish I could tell him that I want him to be with someone that actually wants to live their life and is stable enough to do so.

I apologize if this post was triggering for anyone. I just had to tell someone these thoughts/wants I’ve been holding for 10+ months. No need to comment.