This is my 4th month... I know, I know, ladies here have been trying for much longer. I’m not looking to start the pain Olympics, but I found out I had secondary infertility for 4-5 years, after trying for 8 months with no success.

I’ve been dealing with non-stop health problems, one after the other. Taking it in stride, trying to keep my chin up. Each birthday passing, and it feels like each one, and each AF visit slowly take my life plans away.

As I get older, my picture of being “young” parents, and having three kids feels like it slips further from my hands. My husband wants it so badly. Every “symptom” I have/complain about, he comments “maybe you’re pregnant?”, but he has no idea I’ve been taking tests in secret.

I have unicorn friends, pregnant on their first try, and friends who got pregnant the first month using LH strips.

I’ve done ovulation testing. I’ve don’t BBT testing. I’ve done maca pills. I’ve done preseed. I’ve put my legs up. We’ve had sex EVERY DAY from the middle of AF til the arrival of my next AF. Nothing.

And I’ve been a good sport. But I’m getting tired. Another birthday next month, and another BFN this morning. AF set to arrive this weekend. No I’m not out necessarily, but I’m pretty sure I ovulated early and would see something by now. If I didn’t ovulate early, I was away from my DH during ovulation time.

My fertility doctor told me to follow up in November if I don’t get pregnant, but it seems so far away.

Now I’m questioning everything- are my anti depressants messing me up? Should I stop them? Is my thyroid not as “balanced” as it should be? Am I too fat?

Today sucks. And if your day sucks too, we can commiserate together.

Please, no hate. I’m just trying to let myself feel shitty today.