hello. i'm not here for an argument, i'm here for your honest opinion and advice. this is long and very complex so feel free to click off at any time.

for backstory: i was in a toxic relationship when, two years ago now, my current boyfriend moved to my town. i had a huge crush on him and after getting high together, spilling my heart to him, and five months of bullshit i finally left my ex and me and bf began dating. this hurts my heart to admit but i really did fall in love with him. it was my first time. it was terrifying. i was depressed, i had no idea what to do, but it always seemed like he handled everything. he was "perfect." until the gut feelings became stronger than just my anxiety. after four months i discovered he was flirting with another girl because he 'didn't know what to do' and wanted advice from her. he lied to my face about text messages, and only from her did i read every text where he talked about her mental health, hugging her, calling her, and going for coffee. i was not mentioned once. yes, i stayed. i was numb and desperate for his love. fast forward seven months later and i discover all of his dark secrets he was hiding from me from an ex girlfriend and an ex bestfriend. both girls he was still trying to contact. i snapped and became completely cold towards him. this is when his true colors came out. every small disagreement would turn into a half-day fight. he was blatantly disrespectful and no explaining, crying, or demanding would make him stop. once he realized how much he'd hurt me, he'd apologize and move on like it was nothing. he's done this probably a thousand times now. the past seven months have been better. but i just cant see him anymore. i love him, but he is such an awful person underneath everything. he keeps saying he's making progress but i'm miserable and i don't think i should have to endure two years of emotional abuse just because he has some issues he doesn't want to be honest about. i told him i don't love him anymore after everything he's done, and that he should have loved me and been committed from the beginning. he says he's going to keep trying because he loves me 'now.' i strongly feel that if you have to be told how to love someone then you don't really love them. even if you have some personal issues that doesn't excuse you to just lie and pretend to be whoever you want.

don't get me wrong, this man is beautiful. he is loving, nurturing and brightens my day whenever things are good between us. he is constantly buying me things, doing small gestures he knows make me feel better, and for the most part he is so sweet. we get along great besides the constant lying and the fact he isn't really doing much after what i found out. and after being told the love of your life cheated, has been lying and manipulating you, and seeing how "loving" he was all while this was happening behind my back. how can i ever even be somewhat happy with him. knowing that he consciously chose to keep me in the dark, all while nurturing me and promising me i could rely on him. everything pushes me over the edge now. and for once he's my only source of negativity. i'm constantly angry and i don't feel like myself. i feel like he's ruining my life. what should i do. please i'm really suicidal and i cant bear to handle this on my own any longer.