So the quiet, creeping abuse I endure at the hands and words of my husband got a little worse yesterday.

I am 4 weeks pregnant with my rainbow baby. I don’t want to tell anyone because I have lost babies in the past and now I’ll only announce when I am in a safe zone.

I don’t want to tell my husband either because based on the last two pregnancies/losses he gets stressed and by default he stresses me out and becomes more abusive and this effects me.

He even made a comment that I should stop being hopeful for a baby because from now on we’d need pills to have a baby.

Yesterday he decided to be especially mean to me, stick his fingers in his unclean asshole and proceed to smush his fingers on my face and tried many times, amidst my pleas for him to please stop, to put them in my mouth.

Having lost one of my babies to chlamydia (he still denies ever cheating), and the most recent to a parasite from him throwing dirty day old sink water on my head (Yes, I SWALLOWED IT) I am especially paranoid now about potentially losing it to ECOLI. I said please stop that is really disgusting and really not funny. He said for me it is funny. And starts laughing.

I got so protective, disgusted and upset my boundaries were not being respected that my reflex was to slap his face to make him stop. I said I warned you to stop that. That is very disgusting what you were doing.

It was the first time I had ever done something like that. I immediately regretted it and expected a reaction. But he just went completely silent and sat on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands. He sat like this for about 10 minutes and I just sat trembling with fear and regretting what I had done.

Suddenly, out of nowhere his hands are around my neck and literally choking the air out of me yelling in my face that I should look at the mark I left on his face. That if I ever touched his face again he would kill me. He repeated it so much. A weird thought popped in my head that I should slap him again and show my defiance. Or spit in his face like he has done to me before. But it quickly went away when I realized I couldnt breathe and he probably would kill me. I was so scared.

I know I need to leave. My flight was booked from a week ago for September 5... I don’t know if I can make it that far. I am debating disappearing from his life as soon as I get back home and never telling him about the baby. Cancelling the papers for his visa.

Part of me wanted to tell him I only slapped him to protect the baby. I don’t want to lose another baby.

I know he thinks I deserve that. He doesn’t even classify that as abuse. For him, abuse is a punch in the face.