this is long, but please read.

when i was pregnant with my child, my child’s father was absent. my whole pregnancy was super stressful, i let him control me and i let him be there when it was convenient for him. when my child was born we weren’t really on speaking terms, but i allowed him to come to the hospital and be apart of everything. after i had my child, i started uncontrollably shaking and they told me it was normal. my child was born at 36 weeks, 2 days and i had a csection, due to low fluid levels. at the hospital i continued to shake but only when i was stressed out and if i had just woke up. i told the doctors and nurses my concerns and worries. they told me it was normal. once we got home, it happened when i was holding my child. it’s like when someone scares you and you jump... i dropped my daughter. i feel absolutely horrible and i think about it daily. i can’t forgive myself. my child was only 7 days old. my child’s father and i tried to make things work, his family is super crazy and they stress me out to no end. we were living with his family until we got a house. he gets drunk and pisses the bed and it stresses me out really bad. the other night, at 1:30AM, he pissed the bed and i woke up upset and stressed out, i carried my child in the living room to sleep but in the rock n play because i didn’t want to take the chance of me shaking. i never know when it’s going to happen but i’ve noticed it happens when i’m super stressed. it happened and the rock n play fell and my child rolled out of it. i have went and seen three different doctors and they all have said its related to postpartum and it will go away. i’m so scared. i don’t know why it continues to happen. i took my child to the hospital and my child is okay. my child’s dad and his family called DFS on me and DFS came to my moms because that’s where my child and i are staying for now until i can get us a place. they asked me a bunch of questions and i made an appointment to see a doctor on tuesday and i’m hoping they refer me to a neurologist. my child’s father said he’s taking me to court, i better be prepared to never see my child again. i’m a horrible mother. and so many other things.