Could I have PPD? I was punching the door...please help me.

PLEASE, I am begging you if you have time please read this and tell me what you think...I feel like I’m going crazy!!!

I gave birth a year ago, so I’m not sure if this could be PPD or not; but I’ve noticed since I gave birth my “baby blues” continued. At some points they were better I think? But it’s all a blur tbh...

Lately though it’s been really bad. It’s getting worse and worse. I will tell you somethings I’ve noticed about myself that make me question whether I may be dealing with something that’s not normal. Please bare with me though because two of the things I’ve noticed is I’m very forgetful and don’t make any sense.

Anyways, here are some things I’ve noticed...

1. I get very down and sad/emotional and at times cry or tear up for no reason. Literally I’ll be fine and out of the blue it happens.

2. Other times I find myself to be very cold. I say cruel things to my SO or just don’t care about anything. My boyfriend will say he loves me and I won’t say it back, or I will mumble it. Idk why.

3. Exhausted. I am completely exhausted. To the point where everything drains me. Cooking, cleaning, thinking, etc. all completely drains me out this past year to the point where i hardly do it anymore. I also get very overwhelmed with everything! But then I can never sleep. No matter how tired I am it’s hard for me to fall asleep most of the time. Even if I try to force myself to have a nap when baby is napping, I will literally just lay in bed or go on my phone.

4. I don’t feel like doing anything!!! I don’t want to babysit kids (which I always used to love doing), I don’t want to cook (which again I used to love doing it), I don’t want to work, I don’t want to go to the mall, I don’t want to be around people, I hardly shower, i hardly even get dressed, etc.

5. Rage. The past month or so (but even more so this past week) I ’ve noticed I get into this rage and just freak out. The littlest things set me off. I scream, I cry, I throw things. Last week my baby wouldn’t stop crying and I just got SO irritated that I started yelling and picked him up a little rough. Please don’t judge I wouldn’t ever hurt him, i just couldn’t help it in the moment I was so mad.

I’ll tell you a story of what happened today that brought me to write this...

So baby slept at my moms last night so I could get a break because I was exhausted from planning and having his first bday party! Baby came back around 8:30am. I was still completely exhausted, even though he was gone yesterday afternoon and I didn’t have to wake up in the middle of the night to feed him or anything. My boyfriend answered the door as was going to allow me to sleep but then my mom told me he didn’t eat breakfast so I just decided to get up and feed him.

My boyfriend was tired too so he had a nap upstairs and I took care of baby, fed baby, played with baby, and put baby to bed. I was fine during this time. I laid down in bed and wanted to nap, but I just couldn’t. So for the hour and a half baby was napping I literally sat on my phone. Once baby woke up I got dressed because we had plans to go grocery shopping and to the mall to buy baby clothes and I told my boyfriend to get him.

I started feeling myself getting irritated for some reason. But I was still ok. After about a half an hour, my mood just switched. I didn’t want to do anything anymore. My boyfriend just kept telling me we need to at least go grocery shopping because he’s working the rest of the week and weekend and I don’t drive so we literally won’t have food. But I literally didn’t care. I didn’t want to go. It’s a really weird feel, it’s like I just don’t want to and that it. Idk how to explain it.

Anyways, it just resulted in an argument. He told me he’s going to go by himself then, I told him to bring baby, he said no. He just kept begging me to go. He told me I’m useless and a selfish mom at two different points which is why I think I got more and joe angry but I don’t even remember. Then eventually he was like “ok, watch him I’m leaving.” And he went downstairs. I then got SUPER angry and put baby in his crib and he started crying but I didn’t care. I slammed babies door, my bedroom door, my bathroom door, and then cried on the bathroom floor. Hyperventilating. Shaking. Just freaking out. I then got a huge burst of anger and started punching the door and kicked it a few times. My one hand now is really red and swollen and is achy.

After I calmed down I checked on baby, but he was gone and so was my boyfriend. I’m assuming they went grocery shopping. I cried a little more. I feel a little bad for my son, but I’m just so tired and emotional right now to even care. Plus I have a huge headache and a hand that is hurting. Which makes me feel like a crazy person. It’s almost like I feel emotionally numb right now. I’m sure soon I will feel bad. I know I’m not a horrible person or mom, I just think I’m dealing with something out of my control. But I just want to know your guys opinions/advice.

I forgot to add, I don’t feel comfortable telling anyone even my doctor about this. Growing up I suffered from anxiety and depression and my parents would get mad at me and tell me I’m faking it, my boyfriends mom is a pharmacist and says all these kids are taking pills and doesn’t believe in it, my boyfriend same thing. He just says “people have problems...you need to work on them...” he says “I don’t like the word depression.” Which I think is why I fear telling others or really sitting down and having a serious talk with him about this...it’s like whenever I try to he is supportive but shoots me down at the same time and I just feel dumb.