Cyclothymic, Depressed and alone

Feel depressed sometimes, I even think about what if I die...

But can't, I would never hurt my family like that.

But the thing is, I feel just so down, so afraid of the future.

It's like it's not going to be great, my life will not be great at all.

Last year of study and really don't know what to do next.

I want money and be happy.

Also when I'm down, no one can reassure me. I just tell my bf and bff and they feel uncomfortable and don't know what to say...

I can't tell my parents, I know them, they would worry so bad. My sisters and I are everything to them, so if one of us feels that down, they (mostly my mom) start to feel down as well.

Last year I tried to tell my mom I might need to see a doctor and she accepted but didn't like the idea.

After a try with a doctor, she didn't like her and thought I was overreacting about my feelings and I didn't really need to see a doctor (which is pretty much expensive).

Don't know what to do.