Body Image Trauma affecting my relationship

I’m sorry it’s so long, I wanted to give back ground info so you’d understand why I get so stuck on this idea & why it’s so hard for me to be realistic about a normal thing most girls probably overcome easily. I don’t know, it’s just getting so bad & has gone on for so long & I just can’t carry this pain & unworthy feeling anymore.

I was raised extremely Christian. I was given idealistic views about sex, love, & connection, especially with men. I am bi but I’m married to a man & men seem to trigger my insecurities the most. I was bullied a lot as a kid for being ugly & I was body shamed as a teen which developed into an eating disorder that I still rumble with off & on.

For as long as I can remember, all I wanted to be was a beautiful girl. I wanted to be so beautiful that not a single person could find a flaw in me & say or think something mean, that way I could live my life at peace & focus on other things. I knew there was power in being pretty. I am pretty now, not exceptionally but with a cute outfit & some effort into hair & make up many would say that I’m hot. I don’t see it & I feel inferior everywhere I go.

Instagram puts me into a depressive, shut down state on the daily but I have to use it for my music. I also use it to punish myself by looking at all the women who I know my husband would find hotter than me, even though he’d never say it out loud. Sometimes I think about him fucking them because I know physiologically, that’s what he wants & that’s what all men are wired to want. My mental state has only gotten harder to manage since the “hot” image has changed to girls with extreme & striking features that most of the time have to be achieved with money & surgeries. Even knowing that, I look at myself and see an average blob because I’m looking for that shocking kind of beauty in the mirror like I see so much. It doesn’t help that I’m a pop vocalist/performer/songwriter so I feel the weight of being a stand-out beauty every day... but, I’m just not.

I know in the world & in my industry that kind of beauty gets you places & much faster with less work, so it’s a tender spot to know & think about my husband finding other entertainers (actors, vocalists, models, etc.) or normal people really beautiful. When I feel that way, I cling to my religious idea that love is sacred & transcends the flesh, but I’m not even religious anymore & I know that’s not true, I just can’t feel good about it... it makes me feel like I’d rather be alone forever & just date casually so I’ll never feel like I’m inferior to anyone because I’d have no reason to capture one person’s attention.

I’ve grown to be so resentful towards people with what I call “pretty privilege” since the popular pretty girls made a huge joke about me in elementary/middle school that was in front of the whole school. I just get caught up thinking about how different my life would be if I had been pretty & praised all the time like they were instead of bullied & rejected just for being alive, in the room, & unattractive. It makes me crazy that there are people out there who make a living simply because they’re beautiful, as if they’re superior naturally so they don’t have to learn a skill & work like the rest of us. It makes me want to give up on life. I feel sad because I know I have to accept that everyone, including myself, will always prefer, want to be, &/or give unwarranted adoration to prettier people & if you aren’t one of them, you just miss out on that love & attention. I mean, it’s scientifically proven that people who are praised often & as children are happier & more confident. I just wish being beautiful wasn’t the highest value for a woman but I can’t make myself think that it isn’t when I look at the world & I see it in action.

So... how do I cope with this feeling... or, well, this knowing? How do I have a monogamous relationship without going crazy? I play shows & everyone loves me but I come home, take the costumes & make up off & I’m just an average girl with a normal husband who thinks the other entertainers/girls are hot. I don’t get the same adoration but I am an entertainer too & it just makes me feel sad. I want to be exciting in my “real” life too, when I’m not playing a part. I want him to want me as much as my fans do & as much as he wants a hot girl who he thinks he’ll never have a chance with. I don’t know. I need help. I know it’s stupid & crazy & I should accept it but I get seriously depressed about it & I can’t get out of it. I just want it all to stop. It makes me want to die, if I’m being honest. When you believe that kind of love & attraction is possible & you see it in people who are extremely beautiful, it’s hard to let go of the desire for it...