***Long Post***

Let me give you a background story:

I’ve been an only child all of my life.

I was always so close to my dad. Did everything together.

Well, in 4th grade, I had a babysitter. My dad would drop me off in the mornings like at 5am. Mom would be at work by then, and he would head to work.

Well, although I was about 8years old, I slowly caught on to something. My dad was cheating on my mom with the babysitter. (She was married and with kids)

I was confused. Like, how? Why?

I remember it was my dad’s day off, and we had dropped my mom off at work. I confronted him about it. He admitted it and had asked me to keep it a secret.

Being the little kid that I am, I agreed. I agreed to keep it a secret because I didn’t want my world falling apart although I knew what he was doing was wrong.

Well, time went by. They saw each other outside of the “babysitting world” . They would meet up at places, he would come home late. My mom started catching on, so for my dad to hide it, he would then take me to his “little dates”

Yep. For about 2 years, he would take me to spots such as the gym, where they would meet up. The grocery store, where they would “run” into each other.

I don’t know what was running through my dads mind when he did this, but this one time he took me with me, hid me in the back seat with newspaper on top of me, (to hide me) and met up with her in a parking lot. She climbed into the car and they talked. They talked about how he had only kissed her on the cheek. And how they were just friends. Ever since that night, I never went on “adventures” with my dad. I think they planned it?

I guess he wanted me to think they were ending it. But it never did.

Well, we moved to a different state when I was 12 years old. Rented an apartment, everything was going good at first until... yep, you guessed it. He decided to be a man whore.

He would sneak out in the middle of the night. My mom would wake up, and she would wake me up and would tell me to stay up with her until dad came home. She would smoke so much because of the stress, her voice calling my dad still haunts me to this day.

All in all, I have trust issues from all of this. Like, these childhood events from my dad cheating to my mom bringing me into it made me so fucked up in the mind.

At 17, I had my first boyfriend. We dated for about 9 months. Well, he would cheat on me. Friends would catch him holding hands with someone else at school. He would sext other girls the same way he would sext me. Regardless I took him back because I liked him. I thought he would change. Nope. Never did. Broke up with him. He ended up begging on his knees crying for me to stay. I guess I had enough and just left.

At 19, I started dating my freshman best friend. Perfect relationship. In fact, we are going on 23 years old, baby girl on the way, and still going strong. He has been the best boyfriend/ soon to be father I could have ever asked for.

But just recently, the trust issues have been creeping up.

I get upset when he goes out with his friends. I tend not to believe him when he says that he went out with guy friends. I always assume he’s with chicks. Yes, this is unhealthy and yes, I’ve talked to him about all of this. He always reassures me and actually offered to give me access to his location on his phone so I can check up on him. NO, I don’t check up on him. No I would never stalk him. I guess he is trying his best to help me ease my mind. Bless him for trying, but I acknowledge and I let him know that I rather get help, than start becoming my mom.

With this said, I told him that I made an appointment with my psychologist to get help for this. I want to trust him. He has given me no reason not to. I want to be able to be happy for him for going out. Not scold him and get upset for going out. He is very understating and has always stuck by my side.

Well, what happened in my childhood really really fucked me up. Some people may not understand, but it’s painful. Painful because I don’t want to re live my childhood. This time, it’s different.

I know people’s stories will be different, and I have an upcoming appointment with my psychologist. Has anyone ever lived through this and overcome it? I want to be able to trust him. But I can’t trust. I’m afraid to trust. What are some things you have don’t to overcome this? Any advice, help, would be appreciated.

Please no hate. Like I said, I know that in my mind being paranoid and insinuating things isn’t healthy. And like I said, no, I refused my boyfriend’s idea to track him. He deserves better than that. I’m just thankful I’m not on this journey alone. He truly has a lot of patience for me.