TRIGGER WARNING: I feel so defeated scrolling through here seeing all these women celebrating their beautiful pink lines that I desire so bad. It was so easy with our first pregnancy, we got pregnant right away. Then we miscarried at 9 weeks. I look back on that traumatic day and remember all the doctors at the hospital that wouldn't give me eye contact through my tears. I remember my husband crying, being shoved in a chair at the foot of the stiff hospital bed, where he was in full view of them scraping out what was left of what should have been the beginning of our family. I wanted him next to me, but they wouldn't let him. I remeber the random man standing in the corner, watching what was happening and typing on a computer. I remember bawling all the way up to the ultrasound that they wouldn't allow my husband to come to for support, and seeing an empty screen where just the day before was our sweet little baby and its tiny heartbeat. And I remember, after what felt like 100 people, had left the room, standing up and blood running down my legs and flooding my feet, and just bawling. My husband crying, hugged me the tightest and longest I have ever been hugged. The next day, my husband took me in for what was supposed to be my first "pregnancy" appointment. Going up the elevator with a soon to pop mama who was smiling with that beautiful glow, I was envious, I was hideous, I was crying. Her smile quickly faded and I felt guilty for stealing her joy. We sat in the waiting room with the pictures of all the sweet bellies, and babies. It was torture. Then the nurse opened the door oblivious as to what had happened, with a big ignorant smile on her face saying, "Congratulations Mama!" Ouch. That was the worst experience of my life, and I didnt understand why it had to happen until we got pregnant two months later with our son. That again was easy. Terrifying, but easy nonetheless. And we have been so in love with him since day one. He is the light of our lives. Well he is almost one now and we have found ourselves ready for another. We bought our first house! A fixer upper, and it's big and in a nice neighborhood and we will have a cheaper mortgage payment then our rent was for our one bedroom apartment. We are so blessed! But we have been so busy and stressed, we haven't had time to really "try". We found some time this month and I believe that we got pregnant. I had faint but visible lines, and I "felt" pregnant, just like the last two times. But it only lasted a week. We lost the baby, once again. I didnt call the doctor. We didnt go to the hospital. It was what most women consider a "chemical pregnancy". Most women have a miscarriage that early and dont realize it, they think it's a period. I guess I'm just really frustrated, and I feel defeated. But... I am blessed. I have an amazing, supportive, selfless husband, an incredibly cute baby, and a house that was hideous and unlivable that we made absolutely beautiful. And it will happen when God wants it to, I truly believe that. I just hope, that its next month.