Another month...

This past cycle I thought It was it. I thought we actually did it. 5 days late compared to a completely regular cycle every single month. I knew this was the month. I had an hsg test 2 months ago and they told me I had a better chance within the next 3 months so to get busy. And we did. We didn't make it the first month. So I was sure the 2nd month would be it. At just one day late I would catch myself getting excited. I would catch myself looking up the due date, seeing how far along I was and how I would tell my husband. And Everytime I pictured that moment tears just flowed from me. I just knew this cycle was it. On my 5th day of being late. I tested. I tried so hard to close my eyes while the urine was going through the test screen and I just couldn't help but look. And there it was. A big fat negative. And my heart just sunk. You would think by now I would be used to seeing those blank tests, and yet every single time it just feels like a weight sitting on my heart. That empty feeling in my stomach. And the 6th day af showed up. With this month being our 3rd year and 3rd month trying for our Rainbow baby, on how I feel so numb but yet so hurt with every single cycle that af shows. The cramps come. Then the blood and all I can picture is me miscarrying again, even though I knew I wasn't pregnant this cycle. It haunts me with every cycle I have. Just reminding me that I've lost 2 babies and this is all that I saw when they passed. I feel tormented with every period that I have. And with everyone around me getting pregnant only makes matters worse. I feel myself getting jealous and starting to resent them. But how can I be that way? It's not fair to them. I just smile and congratulate them and listen to all of their details about their pregnancies and births. And then cry in the shower, And just wish that was me. One day I tell myself. One day. Now I'm on to my 3rd year and 4th month and just can only hope my day is coming. Ttc definitely takes a toll on you and sometimes you just can't stay positive. You've got to cry. You've got to hurt. And then pick yourself back up and try again. Get your positivity back. I am trying. And just know it's okay to want to give up. It's okay to cry and scream. Just always pick yourself back up and don't give up 💜 I might not have much baby dust for me but what little I do have I'm sending to all of you beautiful ladies who have tough times through this ttc journey, you're not the only one feeling that way. It's okay to not be okay. We got this.