Miscarriages suck

This was my first pregnancy and I didn’t know what to expect but my husband and I were actively trying and were SO excited about this little one. I found out I was pregnant by blood test after positive urine tests on September 13th, and then after a few weeks of sore boobs and normal symptoms it was still to early to get an ultra sound done but my doctors were testing my levels just in case because I had some very early on light spotting. That went away and then last week on Wednesday October 2nd I had more spotting and it was much more. I went in for an early scan and the baby measured 5w 5d with no heart beat. even though I was thinking I was 7w 2d or so. They said it was normal and that all of the bleeding seemed like it was coming from this giant cervical polyp because they manipulated it a lot during the internal ultra sound as well as the internal exam afterwards. When I got home it was like a murder scene in the bathroom and I was bleeding so much so many clots and I called my doctor and she said it was from the polyp but to come in the next day to see if my cervix was still closed. I did that and on Friday it was closed the bleeding let up a little and they were optimistic saying if I didn’t have the polyp they’d have thought it was a miscarriage. Saturday and Sunday and Monday I had more bleeding but not as much and nothing like what they tell you to look out for during a miscarriage. I didn’t have any cramping what so ever but my sore boobs and nausea seemed to be fading. I didn’t feel right but was trying to be optimistic. I had to wait a week to repeat the ultra sound (yesterday) to see if the baby grew or had a heart beat. I was optimistic because the bleeding had completely stopped except for a little pink spotting here and there. I went into the ultra sound and it was clear immediately that there was nothing in there. The scan looked empty. The doc said when I was in the exam room as I awaited the results “so you had a complete miscarriage” and I said I know it didn’t look good on the scan. I took it pretty well my husband and mom were there for moral support and I asked all the questions about trying again and why it happened. I’m happy it happened with out me fully knowing and without pain. I’m blessed in that regard. I’m happy to know that I didn’t have to go through more weeks of bonding with this baby or hearing a heart beat, picking out names, decorating a nursery or planning a baby shower and then it happening. For all those moms out there that that has happened to, in so sorry for you and your loss. But for those of us who lost our baby early it still sucks. I put on a brave face and said onward and upward and it’s just a bump in the road. But last night when I found all my positive pregnancy tests in my bathroom closet I broke down and my husband held me as we threw them away. I was a mess. I’m still feeling (I know it’s only been a day) angry and frustrated that I have to start from scratch again. That I have to get this polyp checked and probably removed before starting again. To be honest and I hope this is natural and normal, a little jealous that others are constantly posting on social media their baby announcements and I was looking forward to doing mine. I have to remember that you don’t know anyone’s struggles or their journey that miscarriage is very common and that I will be ok, I have a huge supportive family and the best husband and hoping we can get pregnant again soon. I’m posting this as a catharsis for myself and also hope that by putting it out into the universe maybe something good will come of it and whoever is reading this will know that you aren’t alone. I know reading other people’s stories has helped me. I’ve never been on a horse but they say if you fall off get back on and keep on riding. Super corny I know, but really trying to be optimistic as possible and try try again. Hope everyone is having an ok day and just remember you’re allowed to feel however you feel whenever you feel it. There is no cookie cutter blue print with this stuff. Love to you all and praying for a rainbow baby for all of us soon. ♥️