Today is hard

Like so many others out there, I want to have a baby—actually, my husband and I want to have a baby. It seems like everyone around me is getting pregnant: three of my husband’s cousins, several friends from my hometown, an old grad school friend... I know I’ve reached that age when lots of couples decide to have children (early 30s) and so I know that this isn’t all in my head OR a big conspiracy either.

Here’s the thing, I was pregnant earlier this year. When I saw the Clear Blue hpt read “Pregnant” I was floored—it was only our first month trying. I took the second test just to be sure. Yes, I was pregnant. I was elated and so was my husband.

Fast forward about five weeks later, I learned my old grad school friend was also pregnant and due exactly one week after me. Fast forward one more week, I got a group text message from several of my husband’s female cousins and aunts: one of the cousins was pregnant and due on the same day as me.

About a week and a half later, while at my first ultrasound we were told that my pregnancy wasn’t viable. Shocked, I laid on the exam table silent waiting to hear what we needed to do next.

A blighted ovum was what it’s called. Although my body still thought it was pregnant (almost 12 weeks) and wasn’t expelling the yolk sack, it was confirmed that my pregnancy had stopped developing around week 5. That meant that I’d been pregnant knowingly for one week before I wasn’t. That meant when my sister-in-Law visited us and we announced our pregnancy the embryo had already started to break down. That meant when I announced to my co-workers I was already no longer pregnant.

I don’t know how to fully comprehend what happened. And now that we’re trying again and in cycle 4/5 I am terrified that I can’t get pregnant and carry to full term—I’m even more terrified I will get pregnant and lose another baby. Does this get any easier?